Adjusting

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So… This whole not working thing has been a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I am so used to going in to work, every single day, and just busting ass for at least 10 hours. Now, I just sit at home and recover and sleep a lot… And that’s about it. I am just getting used to this, and it isn’t something that I know if I can get used to at this point. I am not regretting my decision, because that would be utter crap… It’s just that I am feeling antsy and like I am missing out on things. I need to be doing something, and instead I am just at home doing next to nothing. I’ve already cleaned the whole place from top to bottom, gotten back to all of my commissioners, taken care of bills for the week, and other stuff… And I did all of that in 2 days. TWO! I mean, I should have spaced it out or something, because now I just feel useless and like I am a drain on the house. I know I’m not and that Kita and Res have my back… Res far moreso, but that’s another paragraph… And yeah, I don’t know. I have been just really not okay and struggling with all of this because I feel like I made a mistake. I don’t think I did rationally; I did this for the right reasons and things are working out perfectly fine so far. I just… Work was what I had, what I knew, and what I did for 6 years. Without stopping, without thinking otherwise. Suddenly I don’t have that, and… It’s very weird for me. I am trying to work through it though, and I know I have support and friends and people here… It’s just been rough, and I really wish I had more support to physically rely on, as selfish as that sounds.

Anyways, past the stuff about me getting used to this new way of life, Kita… Yeah. He and I have been at odds every day this week. He is trying, but… We argue literally every day. I mean, it has gotten to the point that I doubt every thing he says and every action he makes. I want to trust him and care about him, but he makes it so hard for me that I just feel like it is a waste of my time. I am doing my best here to just keep it all together, and he needs to fight with me over absolutely everything. He and Res both were utter assholes on Monday, Tuesday we fought over him being snippy, and today money came into the fray to start yet another arguement. It just feels like… I mean, I feel as though I am little more to him than another step along the way. That isn’t what I want, and I mean… I don’t know. There is drama there for sure, and I just want it to go away; more stress is what I stopped working to avoid, and it is still coming at me. I can barely even get up in the morning because I am either tired, sick, or both. I don’t like that… I want to be back to my old, bouncy, mildly-happy self… And that isn’t going to happen if he keeps this up and if I can’t adjust. Lots of stuff needs to change and adjust here, and I am doing my best to facilitate it all, so here’s hoping that I get it done.

Writing… Haven’t started yet, but I do have all those ducks in a row. I am ready for it all, and have all but one of my commissioners back to me. I have to issue one refund, but everyone else is on board and rather pleased to have me back. I mean, not everyone is using the same idea, and some people are being a little bit… Eh, impolite, but by and large it has been a good experience getting back to everyone, making my apologies for biting off more than I could chew back then, and just promising more work going forward. I have had numerous people interested in commissions too, so that has been encouraging… I just need to work through what I have, get patreon going, and I should be good. My only worry is taxes, but I will deal with that when the time comes. I shall handle it as best I can, and go from there. I don’t see it as something that will be a struggle, just a thought that is in the back of my mind and the only real niggle of this plan of going full time with writing in terms of getting it done. I know I can; I’ve been wrought with ideas since I stopped working, and nearly nightly have a dream that could easily be a story. I am not worried there… Just got some stuff that needs hashing out as the time to handle it draws close. I will handle it though; I just need to stop stressing and start creating. I know that… Easier said than done though, and something I will do soon here. I know I said I’d take a week off, but… We shall see how that goes.

So, past all that… Just hanging in there, like I said. Family stuff has been getting a lot better as of late, which has been nice. I speak to my family, save for my dad, actually kind of regularly again. It’s weird, being that we haven’t really had a dialogue like a family in about a decade, but it is kind of refreshing. It is another thing that I need to get adjusted to, sure, but it isn’t a bad thing or something that I am having second thoughts about. I mean… I’m 25 now, no one can come into my life and shit all over it. They can try, but I have a support system, a life established, and a few other things that make it pretty much so that family can’t fuck with me anymore. I like that, and that has made all that has been changing in that arena much easier for me to swallow and accept. Sure, it still is odd, but… I don’t know, it is a welcome odd I guess. But yeah, I guess this is where I leave y’all… More soon, gonna get back into this habit. Ciao!

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