Settling In

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It’s been nine whole days since I decided that I was going to stop working, and actually went through with it. Nine days of not knowing what to do with myself, of just trying to get adjusted, of fighting with Res and Kita, of trying to figure out finances, of family things that have me so nervous that I don’t know what I am going to do… I am settling in to this new role in my life as best I can, but I am struggling for sure. I mean, between the arguing and everything else that is going on, I don’t know just how it is all going to work. T Hings have began to calm down here in the last couple days, but I don’t know if it is just a calm in the storm or whether things are settling down because everyone is getting adjusted, and not just me. I know this is a change for Kita and Res; Res has been up here for over a year and a half, and this is the most he has seen me consecutively that entire time. Period. I mean… That is very sad when you think about it, but it also speaks to just how much I was working to be able to get to this point, and ensure the both of us something that we can survive with. I’m done with it though, hopefully for good, so I just have to keep an eye on it and hope that it all goes well. I don’t know if it will, but I am a bit more hopeful than I was last week.

Kita and I are getting along better. I wouldn’t say we are out of the woods by any stretch, but things have settled down a great deal after the last few arguments. He is starting to understand his role in all this, and starting to see that I just won’t tolerate his shit. I won’t either… I told Res this earlier today; I have worked far too hard and given up far too much of my life to secure all of this for Kita and him to be treated badly. I will gladly go back to work than be treated like crap in my own house… Which is something that I worked for. I made this life for me and Res bit by bit, with a lot of hard work. Did Res contribute? Of course, and I wouldn’t dream of discounting that. I am not saying that I did this alone, but I will say that I did the majority. I found the apartment, I furnished it… Yeah, a lot of things are done by me and only me. I am still the one that gets run to when there is a problem too, so I mean… I don’t know, I just don’t like being disrespected for no other reason than stubbornness or simply just wanting to argue. It’s not right and it is just frustrating to me.

Past that, the writing… I haven’t started yet. I have tried a couple times, but stuff has come up or arguments have happened. I am going to try some tonight after I get this and the FA update posted, and I will for sure make myself sit down and get some work done tomorrow, but… I don’t know, I just feel as though I am going to struggle here for a little while to be able to put anything down that I like. I was talking to a friend last night, and he made out a good point; don’t be too critical or you will never get anything down on paper. I am too critical, I know this… And that has stopped me in a big way. I do love the support I get and the fact that other people seem to love my writing by a massive amount more than I, but I always feel as though I will be second-rate or just some author that has my niche and nothing else. I don’t want that, and I am going to work at it; I am not saying that I am giving up here by any stretch of the imagination. But, I am saying that things are just still on my mind and making me nervous. So… I hope that they go away and just go back to the doubts in my mind that they are, rather than the things holding me back.

Not much else to report. Family stuff has actually been going extremely well, which is odd… I am waiting for something to happen; some drama, some fight, something. I don’t know why I can’t accept that maybe my family is finally trying to act like one… But I just feel like all this is fake and something is going to change. It is too weird, and I am too used to them either being in court or at each other’s throats. I don’t know how I feel about all this other than nervous, but I do know I am going to take advantage of the calm nature while I can. Not to use anyone, but to just let it get my head right too and make sure that fences stay mended as far as I am concerned. I do not want to go back to not speaking to more than half of my family again… Hell, I still don’t speak to my extended family in any capacity whatsoever. But… Eh, we shall see how that all goes. Nothing else to report past that to be honest; just video games and relaxing and trying to make sense of things as they are changing all around me all at once. I want to keep at it though; I know this is the best path for me right now. So ciao for now, more later.

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