Struggling Along

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Who knew writing could be this hard? It has been a month to the day since I stopped working, my last day of work being August 8th. I have… I have gotten about 8 speedwrites done, and worked some on 2 other longer-form commissions. That is it. I hate that that is it too, since I have had all the time in the world and I have been either playing video games, sleeping, or watching TV. I want to write! I just… I feel like every time I sit down, my mind goes blank and I am struggling to put words onto a page. I know that it is because I am overwhelmed with my backlog, and deciding on what to work on first just has my mind in a tizzy. But, I am trying to get out of that and just start focusing on what I can do, instead of what I can’t. It has been a struggle, and I am by no means handling it as well as I could be, but I am doing my  best and that is all that I can do. I mean, I want to be able to sit here and say that everything has been going swimmingly and that it is all going to be fine from here on out, but I can’t say that in any form of certainty. I mean, I am struggling just to keep up with basic stuff… I have had a really rough week in terms of depression, and am just now starting to get back onto my feet. I leave for a con tomorrow, and I hope that will help my mood, but… I am not doing alright here, and I know it. I am hiding it as best I can from Kita and Res, but… I am almost in a very bad place, and I know I am teetering on the edge of it all. I need help, but I don’t know what to do to get it. Not professional help… I have tried that, but just help from friends and whatnot to keep me sane and going forward. I want to be…

Okay, so, little rant about how I am struggling aside, things at home have been getting better. Less arguing, less me being mad, less stress… Slowly but surely things are panning out. Kita and I have been fighting marginally less, which is always a good thing, and me and Res… Well… We had a very bad night a couple weeks ago, but things are turning around again. I hope they keep turning around, and that from here we can be okay. I miss… Well, I miss a lot of things, but the biggest one is that I miss just peace. I miss peace of mind, I miss peace in my house, I miss peace when I’m writing… All of that is gone for me, and it is of my own doing because I spent so much time focused on the little bullshit of it all that I can’t get my brain to not do that. I am working on it, and I know that I have gotten better, but I have a long way to go to get to the point that I will be okay, and in turn we will all be okay. Res and Kita pretty much live off how I am doing… Good thing for both of them, but at the same time a bad thing since I am rarely doing better than hanging in there these days. I just… Ugh, there is a lot that needs fixing in this broken mutt, and I can see it and see what I need to do. It has just been a matter of doing it from here on out, and that is… Well, that is the hard part for sure.

So, uhm… Aside from those two things, nothing else new to report. I have been playing a whole hell of a lot of Warframe, a new game Party Hard, and as usual AdVenture Capitalist. That’s it though, aside from anime and whatnot… Nothing else going on with me. Trying to write, failing, trying to keep a sane house, failing… Heh, failure all around here for me. Just par for the course when it comes to me and things though. I mean, if I were a success I wouldn’t even be writing about it. I can’t do that… Brag as much as I did for a while there. I don’t want to anymore. I don’t know where that side came from, but I put it back where it goes and there it stays for good now; no point in it, never was. I hated that… But… It’s done and over with. People can change, and I remind myself of that all the time when it comes to Kita and Res and others. I see it all the time too, and… Heh, a lot of the time it is for the worse, but I can’t really say anything about it. I want to have people change for the better, I want everything better, but I know that won’t happen. All I can do is focus on me and keep being a better me. That is the plan too… Be a better me. I am working on that and that alone, and that is where I will keep my efforts until that happens.

But yeah, ciao for now. Kinda short, I know, but… Not much going on other than what I said. More later.

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