I feel like a failure on so many levels. I tried to stop working to go write, and yet here I am over a month and a half later, and I barely have any work to show for it. I can attribute it to depression, to allergies, to cons, to whatever I want… And yet at the end of the day, these things are little more than excuses for squandering time that I could have been using to write. I know that I have improved drastically as a person, with my temper going down leaps and bounds, my patience coming back, my tolerance for things going back… Just… I feel like I failed in this attempt to do what I wanted to do with my life. I still want to go and do it, I still want to write until I cannot do it anymore, and I still want to pursue the one thing in my life that I want to do with it… But I don’t think that I can anymore. The finances aren’t working out as well as I had hoped, and now with the very real, more-likely-than-not chance that Kita will be moving on from me… Well… I squandered my one opportunity to be actually happy with my professional life.
The Kita thing… I can’t blame him. I was too rough on him at the start, and granted a lot of it was because he deserved it. I will not sit here and say it is all my fault, but I very much so played a part. I couldn’t be more patient, I couldn’t give him more chances, and… I drove him to thinking that Res and I would be happier without him here, when that was the furthest thing from the truth. I spent all of Rainfurrest, a con which I regret going to and will most likely never return to… Just missing him and Res. Both of them, equally. Kita for his off-the-wall, usually too harsh humor and yet the genuine sense that he CARES, and Res just because he and I have been through hell together, and we still have one another to show for it. I mean, they both are people I love… And I am losing Kita because of his own selfishness, and my lack of patience or really showing him a side of a relationship. We both failed eachother here, not one or the other, and… I regret it. I regret it all so very much, and wish that we could do it over again. I know I’ve changed, and I know that he has as well since coming here. I wish there was a way to start from this, and not the rocks and fighting and everything else that the previous couple months had in it. I want a do-over, to do this and the writing and so many things that have happened these past three months over again… ANd yet, I know I won’t have the chance.
I mean, I know I won’t because I know what going back to work is going to do to me. I mean, I had a panic attack today just because I thought about it all. I can’t handle all this… I mean, I can barely handle life working from home anymore, and that has taken serious getting used to. I am getting there at long last, and once I finally get adjusted, I have to go back to doing something that I hated every single second that I did it? Really? I mean… I can barely even comprehend it, and it terrifies me. I know myself just well enough to know that if I go back, and if I have to adjust to all that again… Cons are off. Meets are off. I might as well sell my suits and just pack in everything furry, because that part of my life is going to fall to the wayside again and just be relegated to something I wish I could do, but never have the time or the energy to do. Couple that with people up here who think I am pretty much scum, and, well… I mean, I just… Ugh. I am not in a good place with this at all right now, and I just need to get it all out of my head to make sure that I can keep said head above water. I can barely even get myself off the couch right now because I am just so mentally drained from thinking about what is going to happen, dreading working a job again, and all of that. I want my life to be writing, loving Res and Kita, and that’s that. Nice and simple and less stress and the whole nine yards. That’s all that I want. Period.
Past that… Rainfurrest sucked, FAU also wasn’t too great… I dunno, I am not really feeling cons anymore. I am going to cut those two next year I believe as well, and just go down to even fewer. I am slowly but surely widdling them away as time goes on, and I plan to keep doing that… I want to have as few expenses as I can, and get as much out of my life as I can. I am just done with it all really… I want to be an author and a stay-at-home draolf that fursuits when I get the call, but that is just me most of the time. I don’t know… I just don’t know anymore with it all. Kita leaving is really doing a number on me, and the con did a number on me as well. Seeing what a local I thought I was friends with had to say about me behind my back too… That didn’t help in the least. Just blow after blow from what I thought was going to be a nice homecoming. I wanted that… And got this. You reap what you sow though, and I’ve been paying it forward for a while now from the past that I am doing my best to leave behind. I just need to cut ties with it all and start again… But… I don’t see that happening. I just… Ugh. I wish I knew what to do.
More later, ciao for now. Lost mutt is lost.