Trundling Along

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Things here have been… Well things. I mean, there has been a lot of good and even more bad and I am just doing what I can in order to keep my head above water. I have been good about writing as of late, and am falling into somewhat of a routine when it comes to that. I have another… Seven stories to post, and I just posted things a couple weeks ago. It was over a month ago that I finished pretty much everything that went up, so I am finally starting to get into a stride when it comes to that. It is about time, and I mean I am glad about it in all honesty. I was worried that this was a mistake, and that I would just let writing fall to the wayside while I relaxed and recovered and was just a lazy lump. I mean, I didn’t want that and I wanted to be better than I was in terms of keeping myself motivated, and that has been a real challenge. I have been doing my best at it, but it hasn’t been easy. I mean, with staying home and surrounded by things to do… I am struggling to stay on task. I am getting better though, and with time I think I could be a lot better. I am fast running out of that time though, so we shall see if I can get it all together here soon, or if I have to just give all this up and go back to killing myself at a job that I hate.

I don’t know how I can go back to work at this point… I am suffering from some pretty serious depression again, and though I have changed a great deal, I fear what going back to old habits would do to that change. I know I still have my temper, but… I am breaking bad spending habits, I am working on being quieter and a better listener again, and just… I am trying to be better. I want to be better. That’s all that I want… I have a few friends, and I want to keep them rather than lose them. This is also true with Kita and Res, whom I don’t want to lose in spite of things that have gone on with them. Kita and I have our own issues, and Res… He has just seemed distant as of late, and that worries me to no end. I want them both to stay by my side, but I don’t even know if that can happen going forward unless I fix some things about myself along the way. I am trying, and I know I have made progress, but I need to make more. I was so busy just surviving for so many years, so focused on getting through to the next day and keeping my head above water… It has taken this long to even begin to shift that thought process. I still am stuck in those ways a great deal too, and that is just something which has to go away in time. It will too, I hope at least… If not, then I don’t know what I am going to do. We will make it through, but I need to put in the work along with Res and Kita. Things around the house need to change for us all, and it starts with each one of us. I know that, I just hope that they do too…

Past that bit of stuff, I don’t know what else. I have been feeling more and more disconnected from the fandom, and life in general as of late. I know it is because I am not doing much in terms of going out and seeing people, but at the same time… I don’t know. I think it just goes in waves in terms of how connected, or not, one feels to the fandom. I am a furry through and through, and that won’t change just because I am not feeling it for a little while. I also know that it has to ebb and flow like this, because if it is constant… Well… I wouldn’t exactly want to think about how much more odd that would make me. I am already an odd one out, and to be even moreso… Nah, no thank you. I just want to be me, and if me is struggling to connect with what I love for the time being, then that is what is going on. It has been messing with my writing though, as I haven’t felt connected to that even as of late. I have been getting work done, but writing is fast becoming a job because I am just not feeling it as much as I would like. I want to take some time to write something for myself, to get art, to just talk to furs on something… I don’t know. I want to get back into this fandom that I have been in for years. I just want to reconnect, and I don’t know how easy that would be for me.

So, yeah, that’s about it. Just hanging in there with writing for the time being, getting stuff sorted around the house, and trying to reconnect with things in life. I know that part of it is because of the existence I have chosen, but that will just take more time to get used to. I am starting to, and routines are forming that I am sticking to in terms of getting things done. I am just struggling with it all though regardless, thanks in no small part to just not being able to picture this sticking around. I mean… I want it to, and I hope that it will, but I have a constant fear that it will all go away one day, and because of that it has been hard to throw myself into it with real, utter conviction. I have been trying to get over that, but… I suck at trust, thanks in no small part to friends over the years and an upbringing that was less than desirable. I know I need to get over those issues, but that takes time too… All of these things take time, and I have already wasted enough. I want to either “Shit or get off the pot” as the saying goes… And that is a lot easier said than done. I am trying though, and I will keep trying until I either succeed, or fail. No middle ground here, so I will keep at it. Ciao for now though, more later.

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