Clearing My Head

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Ugh… Been an interesting couple of weeks. Kita has completely slumped down into a pretty deep depression, I’ve been ginally getting over being sick and having an interesting, albeit rather slow convention, and… Just yeah, things haven’t been super hunky dory here to be honest. I’ve been keeping up the good face, and trying to play the part of comforter and just supporter and all of that, but it is hard for me to do in a big way. I want to be there though for Kita, so I am trying my best and all that, I just don’t really know what to do. WIth the con, I just kind of felt like I was the third wheel no matter where I went in things. I wanted to be with friends, but they all had theirs so I was kind of tag along Charlie in everything that I did, which was another bother. Writing… I am gonna be back at that tonight, having spent the con and a couple days after off from things just because I was hosting someone here and basically recovering. I am all good now though, so I can at least get that going again.

I don’t know how much longer the writing will continue to be honest. I want it to stay, as I am getting into a real swing with it, and I am really starting to churn things out. I have more progress on more things that need doing than ever before, and I am getting into stuff that I can finish. I mean, I have 2 more stories in the pipe done along with a couple that could be banged out as early as tonight. That is something unheard of for me from before, and I want to keep fostering that… I just, it is a lot harder to do than I had ever imagined, and going to do it now… Kita is starting to get worn down on me doing it. I want to keep at it, and I want to be able to keep doing the thing that has made me happy. I want to, but I am going to lose him if I do. That… That would be the last thing tying me to New England, and I would be out of here if that happened. I would leave and be living somewhere else, and probably just fall off the map if that happened. I am just so done with a lot of the people and drama from this part of the country that I want to go start again somewhere else. I am questioning the fandom, and all that… All because I started doing this writing thing. I want to keep it going though, I do… And I plan to for as long as I can. I want to do something I can be proud of with my life.

Kita and I… Aren’t in a good spot. His friends burning bridges left and right with him has him in a real slump, and I am doing what I can to help. He has a lot of the reasons Ratchet and I didn’t work though, the biggest being sex. I just… I can’t. I am trying with him, and I just can’t. I want to be able to do that, to be normal, and yet I freeze every time it comes up because I just feel afraid. He is getting distant from me as a result, though we talked today and things are going to be a little smoother for now, but… I don’t know. I feel like he and I are on borrowed time, and if things with he and I end… Count me out of dating. I’m all set. I’ll be the lone suiter, the lone writer, the lone everything pretty much because I just can’t keep a relationship. Furries want sex, and I don’t. Furries want someone to coddle them and let them be immature, and that’s not me. I dunno… I just don’t. This whole thing has me nervous though, because I do love Kita a great deal, and I just can’t lose him right now.

Past those little things, not much else new to say. Brother is in the military now, and sister is engaged. I’m still pluygging away at a book for as soon as I can get it out. Patreon is still happening, and garnering more support as I can get it out. I am still making so little money Kita is starting to hate me… ANd that has me just worried this is going to be all for nothing. Money and sex… Heh, my life is losing itself because of Hollywood and rap song themes. What the hell has happened to me… I dunno, I just don’t. I really am struggling to figure all this out, and with no one to really talk to about it all as well as some of it being my own doing… I don’t know where to go to make all this right. I want to fix it, but I just can’t seem to find out how. I will keep trying though, for sure, so I will get somewhere that I can be happy one day, and stay there. I am right now, to a point, just… This feels waiting to come to an end. And I’m not ready for that. I want this to go on, and to stay the way things are for as long as I can have them this way. So I am going to keep pressing on, and hope that nothing falls apart too fast. Yeah… Ciao for now.

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