Off Course

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Well… I can say that this is the first real time in this entire month of May that I am sitting down in front of a keyboard to work. Depression, sickness, people visiting, and just in general stuff happened to keep me from writing. I am trying to get over that hump, to get back in the saddle and start churning out work again… Just I am struggling with it. As much as I just want to get back to writing, every time I try I am either drawing up a blank or feeling overwhelmed with everything for some reason. I don’t know what is going on with me, but I am trying here… It just doesn’t feel like enough for some reason. I want it to be enough though, and I want to get my old headspace back from a few weeks ago where I felt finally like I could handle things again. Just kind of lost that though, and now I feel like I am missing a little part of my head. I don’t know what it will take to get that piece of me back, but I would very much like to have it… I want to write again, and I just need to build up the mental strength to take that step again.

Fixing what is broken in me has been rough, but I am working at it. I finally got the nerve to have it out with Kita on just how broken I am… After a year of dating him. We haven’t been doing well as of late, really a lot of arguing and just feeling in general like I can’t trust him. We needed to have that talk though, as he has kind of just seemed… I don’t know, like he doubts me as of late. I don’t like that at all, and so I wanted to try and go in there and fix it. I certainly know I have been doubting him, and that he has been making a lot of mistakes to garner any amount of trust from me. I want to trust him, but when he tells lies and hides things from me… Well… He isn’t making it easy. I don’t know, I just want a good relationship, and right now I am yet again not having one. I know if things go south here what I’ll do from this point on, I just… It feels like I am just waiting for that now, instead of hoping for the best. I want the best, but I expect the worst simply because of how much I have gone through over the years. It is a shit way to look at things, but that is just how I see them… And it sucks.

Past that bit of stuff, nothing new to report. I played a hell of a lot of Overwatch while the beta was live, and I fell in love with that game. Absolutely adore it, and I hope to spend more time with it here as soon as it comes out. Kind of got to meet new friends and catch up with some old ones through all that, which was also nice. Getting sick of Xbox gaming… Just not liking the console as much as my PC, not to mention the people on it kind of overall just suck. I did miss gaming with people, but they’ve… Changed, shall we say. No one really uses a mic anymore, and those that do, well… The internet is toxic to say the least. I don’t love it anymore, but I like gaming with the few friends I have on PC. Much more fun. So, yeah… Kind of just enjoying that instead. But yeah, gaming… Been doing that a lot, just kind of to mask depression. So yeah… That… And yeah, that’s all really. Ciao for now.

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