Still Off Course

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Still trying to get going here. I am still trying, and still failing. Between depression, allergies, and just feeling as though I am still… Off is the best I can say it, I haven’t managed to get myself going with writing. I want to, and I have been trying to as best I can, but there is just something holding me back in a big way. I mean, I want to work, I want to write… Just, every time I sit down I get absolutely nothing. It isn’t just that I am not trying, it’s that I am and nothing is coming. Lots of writers block and whatnot, combined with just out and out depression from the seasons changing and whatnot… And I am feeling horrid for not getting stories to people. I want to get them out and I want to make sure that people are getting things from me in a timely manner. But, I just can’t produce sub-par crap, nor can I bring myself to write in the first place. I dunno… I just don’t know what I am supposed to do here. I want to write, I want to create, but I am struggling to get going again. I need a good kick in the pants really… And I am trying to get that. I want to make sure that I finish things too, and that is being rough. I just need to put my nose down and get back at it, and that has been a lot easier said than done. But… I don’t know how to get that done. I want to, and I know what I am going to have to do for that… I just need to do it.

Past that, Kita and I have been having some serious ups and downs. I am trying to make sure things stay on an even keel, but we have been arguing a lot again. I don’t really know why… Just feel tense between the two of us for some reason. I want it to go away and settle back down to when things were okay a few weeks ago, but I don’t know what to do there again. I mean, I know my temper has been a lot shorter as of late thanks to getting no sleep a lot of the time, but I am trying to be less impatient with him and the like. It just isn’t working out in such a way that I can do that. I don’t really know what I am going to do there either, but I am trying as best I can. I think we both are, and just aren’t making it to the middle before one or both of us gets angry. I don’t know… We haven’t been sleeping as well as we can, and just dealing with allergies and the new season and the heat have made us both cranky. I know that is a big part of what is stifling my creativity, but I am trying to push past it. Hell, me sitting here and typing this out is already helping to get my head straight and to work things out between he and I… And yet it took me over a week to muster up the mental energy to sit down here and type. I don’t know what has gotten into me these last 3 weeks, but I want it out and I want to go back to feeling like I am me.

Anyways, I don’t really have too much else to go on about. I have been meeting some new people as of late, and that has been interesting… Just kind of not talking to a lot of them. It’s usually a ‘Hi’ or ‘I like what you do’… And then nothing. Not having contact with people I’m sure isn’t helping matters with me in any way, but that’s another thing that I can’t really fix thanks to the mistakes of my past. I can’t undo years of fuck ups when no one wants to forgive and forget what happened in the past. I want to, and I want to move past me being an ass… But, heh… Not happening up here. I want out, but that isn’t going to happen unless I go back to work, and that isn’t happening if I can help it. I made my bed of writing, I want to stay in that bed of writing and creating… Even if sometimes it is a real struggle for me to do so. I want it though, and I want to make sure it happens, and if I have to sacrifice some of the social life I once had… So be it. I can live with not talking to people in exchange for being able to write and whatnot, and keep what little bit of my sanity I have left intact. So yeah… Just all in all not in a good place right now, and I am trying not to be. That’s it though, ciao for now.

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