Past Few Weeks

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So, yeah… Been a little while since I wrote in this thing. Haven’t been having the best of times since the last time I wrote in it, namely in trying to get the motivation up to sit down and write. I have been trying, but May’s writer’s block has been continuing through this month, and that hasn’t made things easy. Mix that with one heck of a wave of depression, and yeah… Haven’t been sleeping like I should, eating like I should, or even feeling like myself still. Things haven’t been great for me, and as much as I try to remedy that, I don’t know what to do about it. I have been going out and getting sun and whatnot, so it isn’t just from being cooped up… I don’t know what is making me be like this. I am trying to work past it, but as I already said, every time I sit down to write, my mind just goes blank. I am going to force myself today to at least do /something/, but I don’t know how well that will go. That has always been a fear of mine, with writing… That I just put out stuff that is subpar. I am afraid of that almost more than I am not writing, and that isn’t really helpful for me right now. So… Yeah, just been trying to get my mojo back in that respect, and failing miserably in that sense.

Things around the house haven’t been helping much, with both Kita and I arguing more than usual. I’ve been very snippy, and Kita has been pushing my buttons with intent it seems. I don’t know about it, but… I don’t know, it feels like things are winding down again between us, in spite of things going well just a couple months before. May and this month have done damage, with the heat of summer kind of just making us both not be ourselves. Kita has been… I don’t know how to say anything about it without sounding like an ass, so I will leave it be. Just… Things haven’t been easy here, and that has made it really rough on me creatively and personally. I am trying to look past it, to not have such a temper and to not be as petty, but being bipolar and not having the support I need for that is making things really difficult in that respect. I know I go off like a light switch, and I try not to as hard as I can… Like, harder than anyone can understand. Biting my tongue and holding my temper is impossibly hard for me, both temper in terms of anger, and temper in terms of depression. I try to run at as even of a keel as I can, but that is really hard for me with so little support, and so much going on in my personal life. I am doing my best though to hang in there with Kita… It just feels like he’s done with me, and if that is the case… Well, things are going to change in a big way for me.

Not much else to say really, kind of keeping this one short since I don’t have many positive things to say right now. Depression is a bitch, and just with all that’s been going on on top of that… Yeah, haven’t been feeling up to much. I’m trying though, as I got stuff I owe as always, and I got stuff that I need to catch up on. Who knows though… Things may even out tonight and I may be totally fine tomorrow. Perks of how fucked up I am, things go from horrid to fine in minutes, and it just scares me sometimes that shift in thinking. I know it shouldn’t, that’s just who I am, but… I don’t know. I just feel off, and that feeling hasn’t gone away in a while. I want it to though, I want to go back to feeling like me again, and I feel like that won’t be happening soon. Ugh… I wish I could get some routine going again. Yeah though… Gonna go write. Ciao for now, more when I get to it.

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