Last Few Months

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Hey… So, been kind of bad about updating this thing as of late, and I mean… I know why, I fully know why, but I have been trying to either beat around the bush with it or just flatout not say. I have a lot of excuses and reasons, but… I dunno, I have been trying to dance around all of it. I don’t want to admit some of it, but other stuff it is more I just try to keep myself from looking like I am struggling as much as I am. Stuff hasn’t been great for me though, so thusly it’s been kind of hard to keep myself from losing my mind with all that’s happened in the last couple months. Personal hangups, writer’s block, some serious physical pain thanks to summer, relationship problems, family issues, stress just getting to me… It’s been not great for me since about May really, and I have been trying to bounce back and get my head straight again, and it hasn’t been easy. Part of it just has been the lack of people to talk to about all this stuff. I mean, I’ve tried to with Kita, but… Getting him to listen is like pulling teeth. He is just bad at it, and I don’t know what to do about that. I want him to be better and I want to confide in him, but it’s been hard for me to do that just as much as it has been for him to really listen and help me out with all these issues. I want to open up though… And here is really the only place that I know that I can.

So, personal hangups have really just been a serious drop in my self confidence over these last few months. I’ve been trying to get at least some of it back, but it just isn’t coming back no matter what I do. i just feel like a colossal failure no matter what I do, and that has been really rough for me to cope with. I have been doing the best I can with it, but I just feel like no matter what I do, I will always be behind when it comes to writing, and I will always be stuck with the same talent that I have. I don’t feel like I’ve gotten better, that I deliver things that people want, and various other things. I know some of that not to be true, but other parts of it just feel like… I don’t know how to say it. I just feel like a fuck up in every describable way, whether it’s with writing or with my relationship with Kita or with basic living things like money and my car and credit and all of that. I just can’t seem to get past all that, and while I know deep down it is the depression talking… I am stuck on it all regardless. I do my best to not sweat the small stuff, but it’s just been something that I have been struggling with more and more these last few months as everyone in my family seems to doubt me, and I can’t seem to catch up with writing… Just… Yeah, not doing well with that. Pair the writing part with writer’s block that has left me many times just sitting and staring at a blank screen with no way to type anything out, and I have just been kind of in a spiral of self doubt when it comes to writing.

Summer always brings a lot of pain for me with it thanks to the increase in humidity and whatnot, and this one has been no different. My knees have been absolutely awful, my shoulders are on fire even as I write this, and my hands have been struggling to keep up with my brain in spite of being able to type at a pace that makes most look at me like I am some sort of freak. I don’t know just what I can do about all this, as I don’t want to get hooked on pills, and drinking it away like I had before… I’m not going down that road again. I won’t do that to myself again, and I am trying my utmost not to. I mean, I am just in a lot of pain at all times of the day. It isn’t going away, it isn’t getting better like I lie to those around me about, and it isn’t just going to stop… And it fucking sucks because of that. I don’t want people to worry about me with all this, but it’s agonizingly painful a lot of the time, and I can only grin and bear it and lie about how much it hurts so much. I just… I’m struggling with that too, and it’s really hard on me. It’s amplified stress and my depression and my temper a lot more than I would like it to have, and that has made things even harder for me to really deal with. I know that too has been putting a strain on my relationship since I have so little patience, but… I don’t know. I am doing my best to manage it, and I am yet again failing at something else. It’s a fairly vicious cycle, and I’m caught up on it.

Between Kita and my family, everyone around me has kind of gotten distant as I am keeping them more and more at arms length. My family is an easy thing to see; both of my parents are questioning my descision to write full time at every chance they get and it has been really hard on me to deal with that. I am not saying that I seek their approval, but when I too have been going through questioning that decision… Some support would really go a long way to making me feel like I did the right thing, rather than I did something that will bring them shame. Being told that I will ‘be a failure and 30’ and getting looks from both sides is just… Yeah, it really stings no matter who says it, and when it’s someone that does hold a sway over you whether you want them to or not, it hurts all the more. I have all but cut my father out of my life thanks to his remarks, and my mother isn’t far behind with a few of her comments the last time I saw her. They’re both really trying to make me regret my choices and make me feel like… Well, like I screwed up. I’m doing that all on my own, I don’t need their help to make me feel like I fucked up, so I guess I am just trying to get away from that. Kita, on the other hand… I just wish he was more supportive. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, and I know he is doing it in his own way, but… I don’t know, I just feel like I am in this all alone when it comes to the mental struggles I have been going through, and he hasn’t really tried to help. He helps with money and with being there as much as he can, and I know for a fact that he loves me deeply; I haven’t doubted that for an instant, and he’s shown it time and time again. I know that I am lucky to have him, and I love him deeply as well. I just… I wish he was there for me through this more than he is. Whether it’s his ego or his own ignorance, it just isn’t what I need, and I need something there to help keep me more sane than I have been. It’s a real struggle for me, a really hard one, and I am doing my best with it.

So yeah, all of that has me as a little ball of stress that I am flailing around as. I’ve been barely able to focus on anything, and while I am getting my mojo back at least somewhat… I am still struggling here. I know I am too, and whether or not that comes down to me just getting over this or getting help from someone is yet to be seen. I want the help, I really do, but at the same time I don’t even know where to begin with seeking it out. I’ve spent too long hiding it all and keeping it just shoved down inside myself for me to really begin to figure it all out without some serious help. I want to do it though, I want to get better and get back to doing the one thing that I love to do; writing. I love creating worlds and characters and bringing it all to life just using a keyboard and my own mind. Something about creating is just intoxicating to me, and I want to keep doing it for as long as I can. I want things with Kita to by and large stay the same, with him and I just loving one another even as things around us happen as they may. I need to get better about stuff rolling off me rather than sticking to me, and I know that I struggle with it. I really do, and I want to not as much anymore… Truly, I want to be able to handle things better, and that is part of where my mismanagement of stress is coming in. It is really hard for me to not mismanage it all when it comes in so hard and fast, and I have so much on my plate. I mean, hell, I barely enjoyed that vacation I just went on for weeks thanks to always feeling either like a burden or I was in the way. I always feel like that too, and just… Fuck, I dunno. I really don’t.

SO yeah, that’s what’s really been going on with me over these last few months. I am trying, but I’m really floundering here. I thought that with writing for the year I have been (It was a full year as of yesterday), I would be able to get things back under control and that I would be much stronger for it. I’m still just weak, small me though… I’ve barely done anything that I wanted to, and while I can say that I am finding more success as an author, that’s about all I can say that I accomplished in a year. A fucking year. How much of a failure can you be to not get more done in a year… That’s how I feel right now, and that’s the truth. I just feel like I’ve squandered this opportunity something fierce, and it’s really bothering me. I dunno… I want to be better, to get better, and I have been putting in every ounce of work that I can to get there. It’s just been so damn hard for me as of late that I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. So… Yeah. There we go, that’s that. Ciao for now.

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