Well, here is something new from me for the first time in a while. I haven’t been able to write much in… Well, the last few months. I have been wanting to, but every time I sit down I either draw a blank, or I just lose what I had in my head because of a headache or other stressors. I don’t know what to do about it, I have tried to manage it and tried to work around it, but every time I have sat down and forced myself to work, I feel as though the work that I spit out is sub-par at best. I want the best for those that I am creating for, and when I feel like I can’t deliver that, well… I kind of feel like I am a failure. I don’t know what is going on at this point. I mean, my love for creating written works hasn’t changed in the least. I still absolutely want to keep being an author. I still want to create. I just… I don’t feel like I have the passion for it right now that I once did. I don’t know where it went, but I do know that the depression I have been battling in particular these last few months is a big culprit for its disappearance. I don’t know how to combat that alone though, and in spite of doing absolutely everything that I can, I just feel like I am drowning here in my own self-pity. I can try to stand on my own feet, and try to move past it… Just nothing is really helping. I go to work and I feel like I am letting all those who have faith in me down by not getting stuff done. I go to create and I feel like a failure who can’t do it. I go to talk to others, and I feel like a burden or a complainer for just not being able to do something as sit down and write. I don’t know what to do about this, but I do know that I need to do something to fix it. I want to too, more than anything right now in fact. I just don’t know what needs to change for me to really get my mojo back.
Writing stuff is really all that has been going on for me. I have been gaming a lot, a lot of anime, and a lot of staring at a blank word document in hopes that something new will form on the page. I have pretty much stopped associating with everyone since I know I am pretty much just a downer right now. I don’t know how to really be around people right now, and couple that with losing a great many friends… Well, I just kind of feel out on my own at this point. I don’t know… I just don’t. This wave of depression has swept me away in a big way, and combating it has become something of a daily challenge. My sleep schedule is just ruined to the enth degree, with me staying up for nearly 24 hours daily now just to try and figure out what I need to do in order to get some real sleep. I don’t feel tired as often, my appetite has waned to next to nothing, and… Heh, again I am not writing. Depression is absolutely brutal, and while I know it is making me lazy, I just can’t combat it as best I can anymore. I don’t know where my willpower and strength is, but I want them back; I need that will to fight back. I am trying, I really and truly am, but… Ugh, I just don’t know what to do anymore with all of this.
So, anyways, uhm… Stuff with Kita is stuff with Kita. It isn’t great or terrible, it’s just there. I’ve been short, he’s been short, and we both kind of are just trying to make it through the summer. Bills and money continue to stress me out, though going back to work in this state I know will do way more harm than good for me. I can barely handle talking to a cashier right now, so talking to a boss and coworkers… I don’t need a repeat of what got me out of CNC work to happen to me again. So, that is where that is all at. But, really… Just trying to keep my head above water and get caught up has been my life this past month. I want to do more, to try and be more active again, but… I don’t know. I don’t feel missed or even wanted by a great many of those I called friends at one point or another, and I certainly don’t feel like I could get them back. I’ve changed, a lot, and I know I have… And I met a lot of those people when I was a different person. They haven’t changed as much, and well… I don’t know. I wish no ill on anyone I’ve met and parted ways with over these last few years; on the contrary, I wish them the absolute best and happiness. I don’t know what I will do though with so few people left around me to help, or to even just fucking talk to. It’s… It’s stiflingly lonely nowadays for me. I know I can make it, but making it… Well, that’s going to be the fun part. SO yeah, just a bit of where my head is at, and how I am doing. Ciao for now.