‘It’. I had ‘It’ at one point, and at somewhere along this past year it went running away from me screaming. I can’t pin my finger on just what ‘It’ is, but… ‘It’ is gone, and ‘It’ hasn’t come back. Whether or not that thing is drive, or passion, or just giving a rat’s ass about anything at all, I don’t know. All I do know is that ‘It’ is gone, and well, that kind of sucks for me. I’ve been trying to get that feeling back, of having ‘It’, but… I dunno, it ran off and hasn’t come back. I’m working on getting ‘It’ back though, and I want it in a bad way. I need ‘It’ to really feel creative, to feel like what I write and what I do has any meaning in any sense of the word, and not having ‘It’ has really been a struggle for me. I want to have ‘It’, but… Eh, I don’t know what I have to do to get ‘It’ at this point. Who even knows what ‘It’ is to me at this point? Is ‘It’ being happy? Being content with the life that I have made for myself? Having a good relationship? I don’t know… And I want to so that I can get back on track and start getting things sorted out in my life again.
So, yeah… Things haven’t been great for me. Kita and I haven’t been doing well for a while, and I know some rests squarely on my shoulders. With the stress of being too sick to write piling on for months now, combined with just my lack of drive and passion for anything, relationships included, it’s been hard. I mean, he is hardly innocent in all this, and a lot of the blame for what has been going on with he and I lands on him, I do have to take my part of this and own it. I am less patient for his failings, less tolerant of pretty much everything, and… Well, I dunno. I mean, I know I have been working on the whole controlling thing, and I have gotten OODLES better from what I was when I was still working. I still can’t fully let him take the reigns though, because every time I do something goes wrong and it does some damage to our relationship. I mean… I want him to stand on his own two feet and really shine, but how can that happen when he just wants to do that, something goes wrong or he does something to betray my trust in him? I am very untrusting thanks to a whole lifetime of being let down, and I don’t want that from someone I want to be a partner, so I hang on tight… And he knows this, but he keeps messing up. So, where are we going from here? I don’t know, I really don’t, but I do know that things need to change for one of us. I mean, I like to think things have changed with me, but with him… I just don’t know some days, it feels like we have the same fights and the same hang-ups that we have had since the start of things for the two of us, and that has really got me wondering if this is going to go anywhere. Like, seriously wondering, because he just can’t seem to get out of his own way on a lot of things. I still love him and care about him and all that, that is never what any of our fighting has been about… It’s more about whether or not I am happy with him, and right now… Well, the jury is out in a big way on that.
Past my relationship drama, well… I’ve been trying to write. I’ve been trying for months, but between sickness and depression, nothing has been happening. I was sick from August to October, on and off and on and off and you get the idea. It was really bad for months, and when I finally get better, I stay well for about a week and a half, then I crack 2 teeth and they get infected. Surprise! Oral surgery! Just what I wanted… I was just starting to get back into things, I actually had a couple things that I was working on right before this happened to get the dust off so that I could get back to writing and creating again. It just crushed me, and I mean… I think it was part of me losing ‘It’ frankly. I know months of not being able to do anything didn’t help, but I do know too that just having this happen right when I was starting to get back into things hurt me quite a bit too. So, yeah… I mean, it really sucks for those waiting on things from me too, and I feel horrid every time I need to tell them that there is yet another delay in things coming from me. I want to tell them that things will be coming soon, but the more I say that the more it feels hollow and just like I am making fake promises to do things that I don’t even know anymore if I can do. I WANT to do them, but CAN I do them has been a nagging question in my mind for the last few days, and it really hurts me a lot to even have that thought in my mind. I feel like I can’t, and while that may just be the pressure and depression talking, it… Yeah, it sucks, a lot. It hurts and it stings and it feels like I am letting down a million people all at once, but at the same time it feels like I am letting myself down. I have been not working for over a year, and what I have to show for it is more backlog than I have ever had, and little else… More popularity with writers? Sure. A spot in a real book? Yeah. But… Much else? No. I don’t even know why I did this some days, and it feels like it has been a waste of time others. That little voice is loud some days, and it has been loud for a lot of them lately. I guess what I’m saying is I miss having a cheerleader in my corner, and not having that has really sucked as of late.
So, yeah… Quite an update. I mean, there is other stuff too, how it feels like I am losing even more of my friends and whatnot thanks to just being in contact with them less and less, as well as just kind of falling out of touch with them. I know I’m me and that means I am the one who never starts conversations, but… I dunno, I just kind of feel like I’ve fallen by the wayside in many friend groups. I want that to not be the case, badly, but at the same time I know it is going to be the case. I miss having that little group of people that I could rely on to keep me sane, and while I still have that to an extent, it wasn’t what is was… And I know, quality over quantity, I know that very well in fact, and I treasure every single person who has stuck by me through everything I have been through, and put them through, over the time that I have known them. Like… Really, I don’t know if I can say how much I value some of my friends, because I don’t have the vocabulary for it. I miss those that have gone though, those that I had and now I don’t for either losing contact, or growing apart… I miss them, which I don’t think is wrong of me. I value and treasure what I have, but I miss what I don’t anymore. So… Yeah, I guess I just miss some friends that have gone away with time. Part is on me, part on them, most on just time and staying in touch… Staying friends is hard.
That’s about it, really. I don’t know what else to put in here. I won’t do any con wrap-up stuff in this, that’s for FA to be all flowery and happy and whatnot about how the con went and whatnot, and this has very few flowers in it… My blog rarely does though, it’s kind of just where I go to dump my brain. I need that too, and I need to do it more often. I get too wrapped up in my own head a lot of the time, and that kind of is part of what has made me be, well, me. I get too wrapped up in my own mind with self doubt and depression and everything else that comes with it that I just shut down and shut everything else out. I know I do it, but I don’t know how to not do it at this point… I have yet to have a relationship where I can talk to the other person and they really listen, not bullshit listen, but sit down and LISTEN… It’s something I’ve never known how to do either really though. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried just writing in this more often, and well… This helped, therapy didn’t. It made things worse frankly, because they are the one person who is supposed to listen to you, and they do to a point, but… I dunno, it feels faked I guess is the best way I can say it. So yeah… Yeah… That’s where I’m at in my head space and everything else right now. Not great, as usual for me… Heh, I’ll have a good day when hell freezes over I guess. But! Yeah, ciao for now, more sooner rather than later I hope