So this year has… Yeah, this has been a year so far. Relationships are crumbling around me, my family is falling apart, my house looks like it may finally cave in here soon, and I’ve all but completely given up on the furry fandom at this point… How has your year been so far?
Starters… Kita and I aren’t doing well, as usual. It’s been months of struggling to try and find any sort of footing for us to really start fixing things, but it just always seems like one step forward and then two steps back with him. It isn’t really even just any specific thing wrong… It’s so many little things that add up and become one insurmountable thing that I just can’t cope with them. Be it consistent and ill-timed sarcasm, egotistical tendencies, the attitude of a teenager when faced with any opposition whatsoever… It’s all really hard to cope with for me and I don’t know if I want to anymore. I take that back actually, I haven’t wanted to cope with it any more… But I have been, and I don’t even know why. I don’t know what I feel about him, or what I see in him, or why we are even together at this point. I keep trying to convince myself it isn’t money… And by and large, I can say that it isn’t still, but that arguement is weakening every time we fight, and that happens fairly often. I want to just have a real relationship, not one based on money like so many of mine have been in the past… I am not a scapegoat or dream ticket for others, and using someone as that for me just feels even more wrong when I think about it. So… I just don’t know with he and I. He says he loves me and yet it rarely feels like I am anything more to him than a punching bag and warm body for him to come home to, so… I just don’t know. I need to make a decision, to stop being swayed by words and just man up or wait it out… But I’ve been waiting for a while, and nothing has gotten that much better.
Moving on, family stuff… Well, to put it simply, my whole family is fucking shit. My mom is trying to get a job in Colorado, one that pays better and would make her a lot happier… Which on paper sounds like a good thing, until the fact that she was supposed to house my brother for at least a year during his first year of college comes into the fold, and that kind of makes things a lot messier. Add in that my dad, trying to get a new car for his wife which is again something good, is doing so by taking back the car he bought for my brother and trading that in, leaving the little brother who was already losing his place to live without a car. The kicker for all of this is guess who is stepping in to fix it all? Of course I am… I can’t stand by and see someone, especially my own flesh and blood, get screwed over this badly without at least trying to do something to help them out. So I looked into moving, helped him get a car, helped him get it registered… Did everything that a big brother is supposed to do and then some. And it has been hell for me. 2 damn near anxiety attacks while waiting in DMV’s (It took 2 days and 3 DMV trips to get his car registered), loaning out 1500 bucks just to get him his car, driving around everywhere in my car to do all the chaperoning, having to deal with the idea of moving and finding a new place… I came back from a vacation in Texas that helped me destress to get dumped into something yet again that has taken all of that good energy I stored up and shit it out in the span of a week. I tried gaming to get back into the headspace to do anything other than just survive and deal with shit crashing down around my ears, but… I just can’t let any of it go. I can’t move on from all that just happened with him and things that I need to worry about happening because nothing is set in stone just yet. It’s… Yeah, that alone was enough to damn near break me.
Things around my house… Well, it looks like I’m going to be losing the roommate soon, and that kind of scares me. Looking for jobs, there’s not a lot out there right now for me, and that kind of makes me extremely nervous. Can I find something? Sure, of course… Just in a timely manner once I finally know what is going on with the roommate that we have? No idea. And going back to work at all, especially as my anxiety and depression have only gotten worse over the last couple years… Yeah, I’m scared. I don’t have a support system still, I am not going to go back to relying on drinking to get me through, and… Well, if stuff with Kita comes to pass, then I’ll be completely on my own again, with nothing and no one. I know I have friends that are there for me as much as they can, and I cannot and will not disparrage against what they do for me. They do what they can, and that is more than I could ask anyone to do for me… It’s that I don’t have someone to sit down and just talk to, to tell how things are going, to just BE with, if that makes sense… I can’t with Kita because he’s a shit listener. I used to be able to with Res when he and I were together, but that ship sailed over a year ago… Now, I’m adrift on my own, and with things looking like he’s moving out and on (Again, not a slight at him at all, I’m frankly surprised he stayed as long as he did around here), and me having to sort out just what I am going to do with my life moving forward… I’m not managing to handle that reality well at all. Why? Because I have no one to help… I’m having to shoulder this whole burden completely and utterly alone here. I may always land on my feet and work something out, but… I want to live for once, nor survive, and the trip I took to Texas reminded me that I can still do that. It’s doing it with how things are here right now that is dancing on being impossible.
The fandom, lastly… I feel so disconnected from furry in general, and have for some time. The whole fandom feels like nothing but a popularity contest, where if you slight someone higher up than you, you’re just done in it for good… And I have in the past done that. It was a long time ago at this point, as frankly I have done nothing but cons for over a year now, but… I don’t know anymore. I kind of feel like everything has moved on without me, and that includes a lot of people that I used to call friends. I want to catch up with them, talk to them, see them again, but… I kind of exiled myself to get better about a lot of things that people said weren’t good about me. By and large, I think I did somewhat well at that, but… I feel too like that time I took to better myself both for me and for those around me cost me pretty much my admission into the fandom. I have suits, and I write, and all that, but… As far as true friends I have in the fandom, those that get me and want to see me and spend time with me and all of that, I feel that number has waned drastically from where it once was. There was a point I knew people far and wide across the country, and was close with a lot of them. That isn’t the case anymore… And a lot of it is because I pretty much cut everyone off from me. Was I cut off from a lot of them too? Sure, I know communication is a two-way street, and I know some people are just fake. I’m not naive. But… It feels like I’ve been tossed to the wayside, and have no way to fix that. I want to, of course I want to… Hell, tonight I go to the first meet I’ve been to in well over a year. But… I feel like at this point it’s all for naught. I don’t know how to fix it either, as much as I want to… I’ve gotten so shy and introverted nowadays that doing much past saying hi kind of scares me. That’s how I’ve somewhat always been, but… I was out there for a little while, an extrovert… And now, I’m right back where I started. I don’t know though, I just… I need to get that connection back to furry, or get out of it.
So, that’s what’s been going on this year. I’ve been traveling up a storm (I’ve been home about a week and a half in the last five and a half), been sick with colds thanks to the temperature fluctuating nearly 40 degrees over the course of a few days up here, and been dealing with all that I just said above… Some of it for a while now. With that, I’m not okay… Not in the slightest. I am hanging on by a damn thread with no one to help pull it up, or even tell me things are going to be alright. Part of that is me, again, shutting everyone out… I do that to keep others from having to worry about me, mostly because I don’t want to be worried about. People have their own lives, and mine isn’t one that should concern them… But… I could damn use some concern right now. I’ve been trying to write, and failing at it because of all this. I managed to do some while I was in Texas because I was able to shut my brain off and just focus on working, and I did that… I got actually a fair chunk of things done. I got home and walked into all this though… And that good headspace I had stored was just gone. Gone with the wind, with the stress, and with any sort of feeling that I could keep my head above water. Ending it all has been on my brain a lot, a lot a lot… And it’s hard to fight that urge. That urge has always been there, just to say fuck this and get out of everyone’s hair and minds… And with how I’ve felt lately, about how I’ve been so disconnected from everyone around me, well… I kind of feel like it would be alright now. I had shoved that feeling down out of what it would do to those around me, but… I’m starting to not care about that, because there are so few around me now. I know saying any of this to any of them will just get me a lecutre about how they care or how things will get better, but… They haven’t, and it’s been a very, very long time that I’ve been hearing that and I have tried so damn hard to make them better. I stopped drinking, quit smoking, stopped just rushing into relationships, found work that didn’t lead me to so much stress, cut ties with a lot of bad influences in my life… And yet I still want to take a gun and stuff it in my mouth, that urge hasn’t waned. What has are those around me that care, and my own resolve to get up in the morning and do anything. And… Heh, that is what needed to grow.
So… I don’t know right now. But… I will stop this mess of words and just say ciao.