So, it’s been a little while since I updated here… And really since I updated anyone on anything that has been going on with me. I am not dead, but I am hanging on by a thread here. This last month or so has been utterly straining, just like the few before it, and while things are finally calming down, I must say that I am hanging on for dear life. Yeah, I know, that has been said before, but it still applies here in a big way. In the couple months I’ve had TFF, which ate up nearly 2 weeks all by itself, more family drama which has just been so stressful I have felt physically ill, things around the house are changing at lightning speed, and my lingering shoulder pain has reared it’s ugly head yet again. I mean, it has gotten so bad that I am struggling just to sit here and write this, and while I know that is in part thanks to the weather which has so graciously shit all over New England for the last several days, it has been a real torture for me to get up, to get any sleep for more than a few hours at a time, or to really do anything aside from just try and grit my teeth to even make it out of bed and through a day.
So, starting things off… March was TFF month. After I wrote that update, I got wrapped up in planning and helping out with that convention. It ate up pretty much every moment from about Mid-March into the first week of April. From planning panels, planning trips, then actually attending and helping run the convention (Which was a huge success!), and then all of the aftermath of changing hotels, Kita getting deathly ill, and then just seeing how things shook out with everything that comes after in terms of how we can improve moving forward. It was a mess of a time, and it pretty much knocked me out of commission. The time before that was spent with both a cold and dealing with a new round of family things; my mother’s job in Colorado was still up in the air, so I was having to help my brother out in all kinds of ways, and still have been to this day. That was pretty much all of March though, and that all continued into April. It was a whirlwind of a month that felt about 8 days long when I really got down to it, and it really left me spinning in terms of trying to manage anything whatsoever.
April came in like a wrecking ball, as I landed after TFF ready to go, but had no time to do so. I was back with a very, VERY sick boyfriend, and had to take care of him as well as new family stuff that had come up while I was away. It turned out that my mother hadn’t gotten the job, so there was the matter of housing my brother that suddenly came right back into focus and I had to deal with. That coupled with the fact that our roommate will be moving out soon kind of threw what has been a very steady housing situation for the most part into a lot of turmoil, and when mixed with a sick boyfriend, it pretty much ate up the 2 days I was home before heading out to Connecticut to do some car maintenance. Did that, came back, and went right away again down to Pennsylvania for a week to visit a friend for his birthday. I did try and get some stuff done while I was down there, but that didn’t pan out quite as I would have liked. I tried though, a fair amount honestly, and it just wasn’t working out no matter what I did thanks to stress coming from home the entire time; I was on my phone putting out fires nearly the whole time I was down there.
I came home and Kita was still sick, still… Yeah, he went to the doctor a second time a day or two after I came back, and got different and more powerful meds. It was needed though, as he got better fairly quickly after that, though he still has a lingering cough to this day. Since then though, I have been trying to get onto a schedule, dealing with shoulder pain that has had me laid up for the better part of a week in spite of having some friends over; yes, I went out suiting and had a life. I know. I was in pain the whole time and a brave face does wonders to convince people that you are fine when you really are about a second away from losing things over just how badly things can hurt. Which, yes… I know I shouldn’t do that; I should own up to my own limitations and just accept them and do my best to cope. I can’t just do that though, as that isn’t who I am. I mean, I am sitting here typing this out and making more mistakes than normal by a long stretch because my left hand is bordering on numb from the pinched nerve in my shoulder. It’s painful, yeah… But I am coping, putting on a good face outwardly, and just doing the best that I can. That has been something I have been doing a lot lately, so I am kind of at a loss for what to do in order to not do that. Going forward though, that is one thing I am trying to work on… I am trying to not be the brave-faced one that people can lean on, I am just trying to be me. Me is that, sure, but I want to… I dunno, be at least a little vulnerable I suppose? I have been told I’m hard, abrasive, and a presence in any room no matter what, and while some of that feels like a compliment, a lot of it kind of feels like an insult, as that just feels like something that means I am hard to get to know when that couldn’t be further from the truth. I play things close to the chest is all; not everyone needs to know everything about me… Hell, I still have secrets from Kita. Meh, here nor there I suppose… Just something I am working on.
Past all of that, yeah… That is what I have been up to. The living situation thing is working itself out, somewhat, and we will be figuring that out as time goes on. I am going to be looking into surgery for my arms too in order to stop being in such constant pain. I need it done, I have put it off for too long, and I have paid for it. A lot of why I am so behind is just from being in pain. It hurts to do pretty much everything, from sleeping to playing video games to even writing, and that bothers me and has for a long while… But I kept putting surgery off since I figured I would just keep being brave and ignoring it. That hasn’t worked out though, so I need to fix it, and I need to get caught up. Another part of that too… I have canceled 2 cons I had planned so I could get a schedule going, and have avoiding making any plans that have me going out of state for the foreseeable future. I have OCD to an extreme point, and it has only gotten worse as I have gotten older. Part of combating that is a routine, and this year so far has been anything but with all of my traveling and everything else. I am trying to avoid that though, and get a routine down so that I can start producing in quantity again. Another thing I am working on is being happy with what I make, as that hasn’t been the case for a fair while. I just… I have finished full commissions and deleted them since I felt they were garbage, and I want people who pay me for my work to feel as though I put effort in. Did I though? Of course, and just… I need to get back to the point where I can see that too. I am nearly there, as that was something I was working on while I was coping with everything being dumped in my lap over the past few months. I am doing my best, and I will keep doing so there. I will always give everything I do my all, since I can’t feel well about doing anything less.
So yeah, that is what has been going on with me. It is a lot, I know… But that is the update that everyone needs. I will be leaving for Furthemore in a few hours, and once I am back from that… I’ll be sitting down, going over everything, and getting my head down to work. Cons aren’t coming up for months, I am not traveling… I am sitting down and getting my shit in order. That is what the plan is. Things have calmed down with Kita, my family bullshit has finally been sorted, things around the house are working themselves out, and really the only source of stress left is running this Forza group that I do. Everything else is working out though, so with just a dumb club in a video game… I can get back to work, finally. I missed writing, genuinely, and with time coming up that I can dedicate to my craft after months of being forced away from it by illness, pain, life, and relationships… I can safely say that I will be glad to be back in the throes of creation yet again. Ciao for now, more later.