So here I am, finally getting 2014 started in the blogosphere. The past month has been utterly insane, and has seen me doing everything from getting a new apartment, to putting a cap onto a relationship that I question was ever even there, to getting new fursuits, to establishing some real friends… It has been a real roller coaster of emotions, and I don’t even know where to start to say whether or not I made it out of everything alright. I have been in a better mood and a better headspace, so I would say that that has been a good thing, but I don’t know well and truly if I am better off for all that has happened. I am surely not 100 percent financially stable right now, and still have the bad spending habits I gave myself a little over a year ago. I am working on improving through, and have been getting better with them here slowly but surely. I am not going to fix them overnight, but I have at least been trying… And honestly, that has been the only thing that has been bad about what has happened this past month. Nothing else really comes to mind that I have done or that others have done. I have caught up on speedwrites, I am writing more than I was over the three months prior, even if it isn’t much… I don’t know. I am at least trying here, and that is all that I can do coming off of what last year was. It was… Yeah.
Where do I even start about last year… It was horrid, to say the least. I lost a lot, a LOT of friends over those 12 months from drinking, going back to being angry, and just… Ratchet was not a good thing for me. He brought out a lot of the worst in me simply because he tested and pushed and was so incredibly full of himself and hurtful to me that it just drove me into a corner. I was hardly better to him, with my drinking and consistent negativity thanks to my depression really flaring up when I could sense things were going wrong… And when he… Well, I won’t get too much into what happened between he and I personally. He did some things to me that are utterly unforgivable, and the fact that he is out of my life save for occasionally talking and owing me money has helped my mood and my bad habits more than words can even begin to express. It was a cursed, poisoned, and sour relationship from the beginning for the both of us. He doesn’t need anyone, doesn’t want anyone, and just never let me catch on and instead pushed me away. I do need someone, want someone, and in spite of trying my best, I was just not in a good enough place to be that. It was a fault of the both of us, and well… Now that it is over and has been for a while, I can say that I won’t be making that mistake again for a while. I hope not ever, but I will make that mistake again… This is the third time I have done it after all.
My new place that I live has helped a lot in terms of getting me into a better place. I mean, I am sitting here typing in my blog for the first time since June of last year. I have put out a commission that I have been putting off for months because I just didn’t like the subject matter and I didn’t know how I was going to pull it off. I have gotten several comments about how much of a better mood I have been in. I have been working nearly 10 hours extra, minimum, per week since I got here. I have a designated work area and have been committed to using it for the past 2 weeks. Things… Things are going well for me personally. The roommates suck honestly, non-furries and as stereotypical when it comes to being crappy as New Englanders come. They more than respect boundaries though, and that means that it’s silence and just hanging out in peace for me at all times. It also means sleeping better, and more space, and just… There hasn’t been a truly bad thing yet. The laundry situation has been a little fun, and not being able to go to my dads until I get the truck inspected and the windshield fixed and the brakes done has been fun, but… Yeah, I am enjoying things with them being far more calm for me now. I really hope it keeps up, and that money starts becoming one less stressor for me so that I have absolutely nothing to worry about.
That being said… I will start actually finishing off commissions now. I need to get that work flow going out, and I need the money coming in. I already have two commissions started and well under way, I just need to get them out the door so that I can charge for them and be done with two of them. From there, just a few more… One of which I think is cancelled simply because of how long I have taken on it, but I will still probably do it anyways because, well, why not? I shouldn’t have taken as long as I have for anything, and with last year basically being a mulligan for writing… I need to get back on that horse. I am the head of a writing track for a con for Christ’s sake, another thing that happened last year… Why the hell am I not writing more? It almost feels hypocritical, and for that I hate myself more than I can even begin to or want to think about. I shouldn’t be doing that, I should be cranking out stories like there’s no tomorrow and just getting everything done when it comes to writing. Instead, I have been working and being lazy and going out with friends… All not bad things with a 60 hour work week, but still things that I shouldn’t be doing when I have open commissions and I have people that have been waiting literal years for me to get my ass in gear and get a story out to them. I feel as though I have let each and every one of them down… And that is utterly unacceptable. Granted, the interest in my writing has been waning as of late, so I need to get out there and start making new fans… Heh, how I am going to do that is beyond me, and how I am going to break out of the cycle that everyone seems to think I am in in terms of writing the same thing over and over I don’t know… But, I need to do something in terms of that creative part of me. I don’t want to lose it.
Ok… I think I am going to cut this one off here. I really am going to try to write in this thing more, but one thing I am working on this year is stopping promising things when I can’t deliver. I don’t know when I will be writing in this again, but I do know that this entry took very little time to come up with and I can already feel my brain letting out a sigh of relief. I mean… I know I have been holding on to some of the stuff that is in here for a while, and just getting it out is a great feeling. I need that feeling more often, so I think I will be writing in this more often. Couple that with just the fact that I am so much closer to work so writing is less tiring, and then mix in the fact that I am going to be broke for the next couple months thanks to fursuit stuff and just money… Yeah, and suddenly it looks as though things will be pretty sweet for me. But either way, I want to commit more time to this and to writing. The year of the pen as one of my friends called it. So ciao for now, more hopefully soon!