I am tired beyond words right now as I sit and type this thing out. I have no way of saying just how sleep-deprived I am, other than to say that I have a migraine simply because of the lack of sleep that I have been getting. I know that few can sympathize and many more will just think that I am exaggerating, but… I don’t know how to say it better. I have been working every day for almost a week and a half, and most of those days have been working for nearly 14 hours straight. I know at my job that isn’t all work, but it is being on my feet, being productive in some form or another, and just… It’s exhausting. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up, but I do know that it is making me physically ill. It is because I made a couple poor financial decisions… And they are my fault after all, but I shouldn’t have made them and now I need to live with them. I will make it out of this, and I will be alright, but for now… I am just too tired to even think straight. I can barely even stand without feeling dizzy. I really… Ugh, I shouldn’t even be writing this. Why am I doing this again?
I dunno why I am going on with this… Heh, I need to get back into the habit of it and all, and it is a good way to keep me writing and get me back into the habit of at least producing something to put out into the world on a regular basis. I know that I haven’t been the best about that, especially since I have started working as much as I have been and with all that went on with Ratchet. I have commissions that are literal years overdue, and I have… Heh, I have friends that I am just now getting caught up with after months of not speaking with them. I don’t know what I am going to do about all of that, but I do know that there is something that I need to do. I need to get my head back in the game in terms of being productive in my own life. This is not to say that I need to sacrifice my work life or that anything along those lines needs to change; if I stick with my work schedule being as brutal as it is, I will be able to really push for getting paid what I am worth rather than what I am getting paid… Which is vastly different. I am not saying either that I need to change what is going on with my social life, since there is not much there that I will change unless I have to; I like that part of me. I… I am saying that I need to set more time aside for myself though. I haven’t been doing that, and I am starting to figure out how much of a detriment that is for me getting anything done. I need to be able to just sit and create, or sit and think, or just sit for that matter. I know that I haven’t been great about it, but… I need to get back to that.
I also need to get back to liking myself more. I don’t mean an ego… I burned that once I started really seeing the problems I was having with Ratchet and a few friends. Those that knew me knew I was just being silly or that I wasn’t myself, but those that didn’t… Well… I burned bridges a lot last year. I need to start mending them, or just knock down the rubble and move on. I know some are mended, but others will take time. I don’t know how I am going to find that time, but I will be doing my best. I need to get better at that, and I need to get better at being a good friend. My friends are all… Well, most of them at least, are better people than I am. I am just… Heh, there aren’t words that I want to use for me simply because they will be beating myself up almost unfairly. But I can say that I need to get better about all of this, about being a friend and about being there for my friends. Social stuff has never been something that I have been good with, and others need me to get better at it. So I am going to keep trying there. I am improving, finally, after years of saying I need to work on it… But there is always more to do. Never stop improving, no matter what level you think that you are at.
Writing-wise… I have a cool commission idea going that I am trying to work on. I also have that anthology that got its very first submission a few days ago. I need to read that and keep pushing that auction so that people know about it. I know twitter knows, but… Heh… I dunno, I need to keep pimping it so that I can get the extra money. The financial hardspot hasn’t made life easy, and I know cranking out commissions will help matters immensely. I also know however there is only so much wolfdragon available for me to tap into before I just crash and burn. I hit that point too… And heh, I am afraid of it. I don’t want to fall apart again, and I don’t want to have to worry about my mind falling into depression or just being overwhelmed and clamming up like I have before. I need that middle ground, so I am really hoping I haven’t bitten off more than I can chew here. I will manage with whatever life throws at me, and writing… Heh… I still do want it as a career. That hasn’t changed in the least, and probably never will as time goes on. I do need to get back on that horse though… It has been over a year of lax productivity; I need to get back to spitting stuff out.
That covers about all I can think of right now… Work has been stressful and shitty thanks to just working so much and one coworker that has gotten far too big for his britches. Life has been stressful thanks to money and just being life. Family… Heh, is family. My personal life has a lot going on right now that I am still waiting to settle before I dive into. My social life has been improving, with a few new friends coming back from a long time of not speaking with me, and old friends doing the same. I have also been being better about going to furmeets and just suiting and whatnot, so there is that… I dunno, I am trying there as hard as I can, and it has been working better than it did before. Past all that… Not much. Just keeping my head down and keeping going. I am trying to really get this year off to a better start, and so far… It’s been crazy, with moving and life and just money and work… But it has been a year that I haven’t regretted thusfar. So we shall see… Ciao for now! More later!