Let’s Try This Again

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As the title says, I’m here trying this again. It has been a while since I wrote in this… Not as long as my last gap, which is saying something, but it is still a lot longer than I would like. I will do my best to be brief, since as I am writing this my wrist is telling me to stop what I am doing and put the brace back on… But, I need to get my thoughts out again, so here I am. I can talk to my mate, and my friends, and that is why I have been writing in this thing a lot less. Life has been looking up for me, and in several ways. Res and I have been happy pretty much consistently since he moved up. I have gotten closer with my circle of friends, finally opened up with a few of them, and am tearing down some personal walls which have been there far too long. WIth one incident aside, I have finally reigned in drinking once and for all. I’m… Dare I say it, improving. I dunno about every aspect of me, but certain parts are coming out and starting to be where I want them to be, and that is making me happy inside.

The one part that hasn’t though is the writing, and that is really why I am sitting here right now and ignoring the pain. I have been missing my keyboard so much these last several months… But between working like a madman for two months straight right before FWA, to the point that I was sick nearly constantly and barely fucntional when I was home, to getting a second job for a little while, to my social life taking off again and keeping me out of the house, and then with the normal mental exhaustion that comes with my job… Yeah, I have not been doing well with getting my creativity out there. I am trying, but I just keep having issue after issue with sitting down and writing. I want to write still, that passion for creating something hasn’t gone anywhere… I just… I feel as though my work ethic has all but dissolved in that sense of me. It is so spent doing other things, and I am always so tired, that I just… I feel as though my drive to do anything along those lines has dried up. I feel like fixing me as a person broke me as a creator, and that is the worst feeling in the world.

Now, I wouldn’t undo what I have done for anything. Period. I don;’t need to be broken to create. I just… I feel as though that spark that I once had is gone and I just want it back so bad. I know commissions are part of this, and once I get done with what I go I need to think long and hard over whether or not I am going to take more of them ever again. I just… I don’t know. So much there to think about on so many avenues and all of that that I feel as though I will never get it sorted out. I know I bit off a lot with commissions, and I know every single day I put them off is another day I feel worse about doing it, and that is more mental energy which I could be spending creating, and less I can use to create… And it’s a vicious cycle. I put something out right before I fractured my wrist (Why it hurts), but… I didn’t ride that wave like I wanted to. I put something out, sunk back into work, and then fractured my wrist right on the day I was going to start using the momentum I had created to start working in earnest on my massive backlog. I want to write damnit! I do, I do more than most things I want right now. But… I need that push. I need that bit of encouragement that I can do it. I need those reminders to do it. I need… Basically, I need help.

Writing aside, life has been… Life. It hasn’t been the best, but it has been far from the worst. I still have my bouts of depression, Res and I still share words very rarely, and my living situation still has drama, but things have improved. They are going to keep improving too, as my list of things that need doing keeps going down and my free time starts to come back. I have spent two weekends in a row doing very little with myself, particularly last weekend where I literally didn’t leave the house for 24 hours. I haven’t done that in… Eesh, probably two months. It was refreshing, and it gave me the strength I needed to takcle this week and to start really pushing forward with life again. I have that momentum, and I have kept it, and it won’t be doing anything but keeping on. So… I am hanging in there, as best as I can, and as optimistic as I can. It’s harder than I will admit, and a lot of time I want to just sink into old habits. I haven’t, and I won’t. I will perservere and be… Someone worthy of the praise I receive.

Ok, ciao for now I guess. Dun want to write much more. More soon I hope

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