I sit here, I look at the screen, and I just… I feel as though it is somewhat foriegn to me to be typing as I am. It is so damn muggy that my fingers are slipping off the keys here and there. I feel my brain racing, reminding me of all that I have to do and that has yet to be done, and it… I know why I haven’t gotten much writing done this year. It pains me to no end, and every single day I go without putting my figners to the keys I feel is another day what I once called a talent is slipping away from me. I don’t know what I am going to do about it, and I feel as though I am losing a piece of me. I am trying, god knows I am trying… But every time I look at the screen a wave of depression and anger washes over me and I feel even less motivated than before to get to work and get things going. I want this to change, and I want to be able to create as I had been before. I have so many commissions due, so many people looking to me to put out something original and new and creative and… I feel as though I can’t anymore. I want to, I need to, and yet the depression that has taken root in me from the tedium of life is so overwhelming it is nigh impossible. I don’t know what to do, where to go, who to talk to… It is as though I am utterly alone.
I know I am not; Res and I have been fine. We just spent a whole weekend together in fact, and aside from a hiccup or two with him drinking… Something I cannot be hypocritical and get into, that was the only real problem. I mean, there was nothing that made me feel as though I couldn’t talk to him, it was more I felt he didn’t have anything to give me that could help. He doesn’t know where I am coming from, nor does he know what I am going through. I want to use him and try to get him to help, but he just doesn’t seem to understand. I mean… I dunno. I am not complaining about it, I more just feel as though I should be able to go to the one that I love for stuff like this and I can’t. I can’t at all because he has his own problems which… Yeah, I need to solve a lot. I have to take care of a lot. And… Ugh, yeah, I just need a break like I had this weekend. I don’t feel recharged or any better off, but I was reminded of Res and I and that is what I need to kind of find my center. He isn’t perfect, but he does try enough.
Past that… I won’t even go into my home situation. It is just horrendous. I am so done living with other furries and living with anyone that isn’t Res and myself. I can’t do it anymore; too much stress and drama. So… Yeah, we shall be moving soon, which is another stressor for me. I want to get stuff done so that it is easier and I have less to think about when the time comes, but I feel as though I will never get that break. I mean, I am looking for a new job right now too; I have an interview at the staffing company which I know people at in about 2 hours. I… Ugh… I just want all of this to go away and let me be me. I want to get back to a life that I had when I was living by myself. There were no worries, there was no stress, it was just me and my keyboard. I miss that, and I want it back. I need to get that headspace back too… And hopefully I can. I was going to far, far fewer cons then too… I think that will help matters immensely. So here is hoping that I can get myself back on track. I want to, and I need to, and I feel like the only way I can is to go backwards; m,y forward movement has been in a few wrong directions. I need it in ones that will help me.