Pushing Forward

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So… Since I last wrote in here, the heat wave which made things too humid and miserable to even consider working has abated somewhat, and the job stress I was talking about? I got 2 offers in less than 24 hours. I would call that a huge success, but I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch. I still have interviews, to see if I even like the work environments, and a whole slew of other things to consider. I am still not out of the woods with the whole moving thing either, as… Well, I won’t get into that either, but suffice it to say things are going to be interesting around here for a couple months. I am not looking forward to that amount of stress, but at the same time I kind of have grown accustomed to it again. I wasn’t for a while, and I think that is part of why I was suffering so much. I mean… I had my little epiphany on Monday, and it was something that I didn’t like. I thrive on stress and being in charge and all of that, but I don’t admit what it does to me. I don’t admit what it does to those around me, and I don’t even try to change it unless it becomes a problem. That’s bad, and… Well, another thing that needs working on. My job bred that mentality, and it is something that I need to change.

The other big thing, far bigger than that, is that I have been depressed for well over a year now. I have had depression, severe depression with bipolar and a couple other modifiers to be specific, all of my adult life. It started when I was a lot younger and it never, ever went away. I just… I feel as though it is eating away at me, and I know for a fact it is what is killing my craetivity and productivity in terms of getting any sort of creative writing done. I mean, that is why I have started this blog again, and hope to keep it going for what seems to be my dozenth try. I mean, I want to be able to vent on something like this and just empty out my brain, and the outpouring of support I get from it just makes me smile every single time. I just… Depression is a cunt. It eats at you, discourages you, reminds you that you are little more than a failure, and keeps those things all in the foreground of your mind at all times. I have tried taking medication, tried therapy… I have done what was asked of me to treat it and then some. Nothing worked, and believe me I wanted it to. I want nothing more than to be just sad at times, and happy at others. I put on a mask of happiness so much that when I get unhappy… I make people nervous. I don’t like that, I don’t want to be like that, and above all I just want to be able to be free to be myself. I am a writer, a fatfur, a fursuiter, a creator… And above all I am me, and I feel like that has slipped away from me in these 2 years.

I don’t know where it went, but I want it back. I have been working on it, and those around me have seen an improvement. I know that because I have been told as such, and I can see it. I am starting to get my mojo back, but I am also starting to grow up in some areas. I can take a compliment… Albeit very difficultly, now. I can look at someone and just not feel that urge to run my mouth; not often, but it is there. I dunno… It feels like a lot of what I am saying is just that I have matured, I can see that I have matured, and yet because of depression and reality, I feel as though it will never, ever be enough. I know I am going to make mistakes, and I know that I am going to fuck up relationships, work, writing… That is part of improving. It is the part of me that can’t seem to move past whenever I do something like that which I hate and want to have go away. I want to be able to mvoe on and just look back at things with a sense of knowledge and that it was in the past, not regret and hating myself for allowing myself to make any sort of an error. That is a rough lesson to learn, and an even harder one to teach yourself. I am trying though, as hard as I can, to do that. I need to do it if I want to get back into writing as much as I was, as often as I was. I can still binge, but… Cons burned me out, life burned me out, and writing fell off because every bit of me just felt as though it was being squandered and squashed and above all, abused. I know where some of it comes from; drinking, past bad relationships, my own head… But some of it comes from being just me. I need to change that, to get past it and move on.

Either way… Not much else to say, just a rant about what is in my head at 4AM essentially. Not much going on upstairs for me other than beating myself up for not writing. I need to stop, get things in order, and just get back on track. My finances are good enough, my life is changing dramatically with me moving in solely with Res in the next couple months as well as this transition from the job I have known for 5 years to another comapny, and… Well, moving away from having a large circle of cons to a close few who I see when I can, but really just by and large have to have. I don’t know what that phase of my life is going to be; I haven’t been in it for years. I feel as though that will be best for me. But… Yeah… Anyways, that’s it. Ciao.

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