As I sit here and write this… I don’t know how I feel. I just quit my job at T-Tech, a job which I have held for several years. I mean several too, not just one or two. I have been working there for over four and a half year straight, no breaks or time off really. It was… I dunno how I feel about it. Scared, confused, nervous… A lot of bad emotion is flowing through me on this one. I had job security there, but I also had an inordinate amount of stress. This was not to say other aspects of my life don’t have that on a daily basis, but my job was an immense source of it. Couple that with no advancement, shit pay, shitty co-workers, and just an environment that was toxic to the core… And yeah, even I can see why I would want to leave and have a good reason to do just that. I am still nervous about it all though, I mean… I am going from what I know to something which I do not. That scares the ever-living crap out of me, and I don’t know how I am going to handle it. It is also a day job, starting at 6 AM. I haven’t done that ever in my entire life. Ever. I am so nervous about it all… I mean, I know I will be okay and that I can do this just fine, but I am scared nonetheless. I don’t want to fuck this up and cost Res and I our lives. I want this done right, I want it done well, and I want to be able to make enough to keep supporting us.
It’s a lot of change going on too with that… And us moving soon. We want to move out somewhere closer to our jobs that isn’t in the city. I just want to be away from our current roommates too. I… Eh, I just want to be alone again. I am more productive when I am all by myself, just something about space and being able to do my own thing without being bothered or having to think about anything helps me so much. I am stuck in such a rut creatively too from all that has been going on that anything will help at this point. I know writing in this more often again has been helping a lot, and that I will keep doing it as such. I also know the move will help since it will get a huge amount of stress out of my own and Res’s lives. We are both beyond done here, and just want to get this next part of our own lives going so that we can get truly started on a life together. I mean… That has always been the goal, but we both have been really getting to understand that these past few weeks. With me not going off every single weekend and seeing him, we are getting to know each other all over again almost. It is weird, and I know moving will make that even better. That, and the new job which will enable me to see him more than three days a week. It will be an adjustment, for both of us, but I feel like we will be okay. I am not worried.
Past the move and the job, I have been trying to write every single day. I have been somewhat successful in this goal too, as I have gotten through this entire week writing something every single day. I finished two stories, and both will never see the light of day. I am keeping them for when I get done with all of my commissions. I want… Eh… I just want there to be a reason to come back to what I write and for people to commission me again. I know my wait time and how stressed and everything else I have been is a pretty big deterrent. I mean, I wouldn’t commission me again with how long I have taken for some. This is why I don’t take money up front though, and why I think after this round of speedwrites I stop doing those for the time being. I need to get my head back in the right spot to be able to write more productively. I mean, I can do it, I just… Sitting and writing like I used to has gone by the wayside. I want to do it, and I know I can; I am doing it right now. Just doing it while working a full time job that has me stressed every single day, on top of moving, on top of bad roommates for the third time in 2 years, on top of little issues with my relationship… It’s… I don’t know where to really start. I am trying though, I am really really trying to get this off the ground again and earn my place as a writer. I want to be an author still, more than anything, I just need to put the work in for it again. I know that too… And I am ready, and willing.
So, writing, moving, job stuff… That’s about it. Been gaming a lot lately to get my brain distracted and off all of the stress I am under. That and working, always working. Always… Just, between working, sleeping, and gaming, I haven’t been taking care of myself. I started smoking again a few months ago. I have been trying to fursuit more as another stress reliever, and that has gone away. I am doing everything I can though… Just… It’s a lot easier said than done with how much I have going on. I know I sound like a broken record saying that, because I always have a lot going on. With this year though, I realized I have been biting off more than I can chew, and going forward that is stopping. I am doing 3 cons next year, maybe 4… Not 9 like this year. That’s just too many for me to do reasonably. Couple that with trying to take on immense loads of commissions while working a full-time job, a social calendar that is nothing but going out, and a real, serious relationship… Something has to give. I can’t keep going on like that. I am stopping though, reigning things in and bringing myself back to a manageable reality, rather than the mess that I have left myself in. So, here’s hoping that works out. More later from the draolf, ciao!