Getting Back In Motion

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So… I haven’t really done anything productive on the creative side in about a week and a half. The last time I sat down and wrote anything, and I do mean anything, was at the very end of last month; the 30th. I took a few days off for Furpocalypse, got a wee bit of con crud, and am still adjusting to working 48 hours in 4 days. I mean, I know that is little excuse at this point in my life, but I did get used to 40 hours and decent pay… So, going back to T-Tech hours with way better pay is a bit jarring. It is taking some getting used to, but thankfully I am almost there. I am still tired more often than not, and I am still getting the pay raise through my head… It has made me arrogant, which I am working on reigning in; that was what this weekend was about. I was an arrogant ass for a few at Furpocalypse, and that was not acceptable. It is just money, something which I forgot for a bit. I remembered that though this weekend, and going forward that is just going to be in the back of my mind from now on. Just, such a jump… I couldn’t help myself but brag. I couldn’t help myself but celebrate and drink too much. It is not at all an excuse, but it happened and nothing can go back and change it. Apologies were made, I did my best to make amends, but at the end of the day there is nothing I can do but learn from yet another mistake in my life and move forward.

The con itself went swimmingly aside from Friday, where I got way too drunk and was an ass to pretty much everyone I knew. I was WAY too drunk… And that is becoming increasingly rare for me. It only really happens the first day of a con, when lack of sleep and eating catch up with me in a big way. I have never, ever heard of myself behaving as I did that night though, so going forward that will be a big thing in my mind. I didn’t know I was capable of half of the things I was told that I did, and… Well, that kind of scared me. I am used to being the silly drunk, not an asshole. So… Going forward, that won’t happen again to the best of my abilities. I can’t say for sure because I try to nevr let myself get that drunk in the first place, but it happens. I like booze though, and I like my friends, and they coincide… And because I have been drinking less, my tolerance has tanked. So, going forward, I just need to be more careful and use my head more; which I plan on doing, as I have been WAY better at home. Either way… Past that little revelation, my panel went great, it was great to see all of my friends, we had an AMAZING party on Sunday and Saturday, and it was just 110% worth it for me. Got my bad in with some of the best good I have had in a long, LONG time. I mean hell, it reminded me to come out of my shell some. I need to do that more too… And I will be trying going forward now that I am mentally back in the saddle.

So, one thing that happened at Furpocalypse, and has been happening a lot this year, was my diminishing desire to fursuit. I didn’t at all at the con, which was… Interesting. No fursuit parade, no real anything in suit aside from lugging the boxes around and doing nothing with them. I wanted to at times, sure, but… I didn’t do it and I should have. I regret not doing it, but at the same time it says something about where I am at with furry at this point in my life I think. I mean, I have distanced myself so much from what I was 2 years ago… A raging drunk that was crappy to most of the people I knew, burned a lot of bridges, and was just in general still figuring things out. I like to think I have changed at least some, and I try to be a better person at all times. I mean, I know I still have faults, I know I am still bossy and arrogant at times and all of that… I have a lot to unlearn from years of a work environment which I either did that, or I floundered. I am doing my best, and even Res has said that he can see it going away. I still have a lot to do though, to get back to who I was 4ish years ago… I want to be back there, and now that I have shed a toxic work environment, toxic living conditions, and have widdled myself down to a few choice friends who just want to help me, rather than criticize and then move on… I can see that happening at long last. I may have said I would try before, but I was setting myself up for failure; getting out of T-Tech was what I needed to do. I mean, I finally opened up and admitted to wanting to teach English at FP; I have NEVER done that before. Ever. And of course I got shit for it… But, it was a step in the right direction, and one I need to keep taking to get to be a better person, better Sasuke, and just better.

So, past that stuff… Not much new to report. I have hit it off swimmingly with my new co-worker, and we talk all the time about whatever. He is a lot like me; grew up under less-than-ideal living situations, way smarter than he should have been, etc. It was odd to have someone who knew most of where I was coming from with things… But who also went down a road I got off of far earlier. He is who I would have been had I kept using and selling and partying and whatnot, and not stopped. I see that… And every inch of me is glad I did what I did. I dunno, I envy him for the knowledge he has for going down that road, but at the same time it reminds me of what could have happened to me, and that I need sometimes. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life, and most of them have caught up with me at this point. Not all of them, as there are a few which will still bite me in the ass from time to time… But going forward, I think cutting out even more of the behavior which pushed me to act as I have… Well, it can only be good, right? But anyways, work… Yeah, it has been work, and it has been a much-needed change. I will keep going, I like what I do again for the first time in years, and I want to get better again rather than just survive. I can turn that part of me off finally; I don’t have to be in survival mode… And that terrifies me.

Life has been pretty much the same too. Res and I have been fine, if not a little bit stressed from things, but with more money coming in we are finally getting things sorted. Writing is coming back quite literally the second I finish this entry up; I have to finish a couple of projects which are sitting at around 75% completion to get them done. I have been playing the new CoD for the past week, and that… Well, if the lag in it were fixed then I would be having more fun. I had my best game in any Call of Duty ever too though, so that amounts to something; 41 and 12 with 2 assists, all of that in a Team Deathmatch with a 75 kill limit. So yeah… I kind of went beserk on that one, and was glad to have the DVR function of the new consoles to get it saved so I can prove it :3. But… Yeah, gaming and catching up on sleep and just getting my head back in the right place have been what life has been outside of work over the week since Furpocalypse. I am better though, for the most part, and will just keep on getting better I hope. I want to get back to writing too, so that will… Expect more out of me, and that isn’t something I am saying lightly. It may be gaming season, and I may not be as productive as I want to be, but I will sure as shit get something done and keep on going forward with everything. I want to do it after all; this has transcended need for the first time in months. I want to see where some of the ideas in my head go, rather than slog through commissions… Which I don’t know if I will ever take again. I have to decide on that once I get caught up. Either way, that’s it for me now, CIAO!

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