No More 2014

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So, in a couple of days 2014 comes to a close. I can say that I am relieved in every sense of the word, as so much has happened this year that I feel like I just need a new year to get myself going again. I mean, I have changed jobs, gotten engaged, started taking my writing more seriously over the past couple months, and just… There is so much thyat has happened, both good and bad, that I feel like I need something new to get out of the funk that was 2014. Cons were just bad all around again, and a couple were no one’s fault but my own. I feel like, going forward at least, that I will be able to fix this and properly move forward with getting to a place where I can enjoy my friends. I mean, I have a few that I like… But there are several that I just see going nowhere but where they are, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean that as in they will just keep making the same mistakes over and over again without learning… And I don’t need to be in that enviroment. I mean, Res does that at home enough for both of us. I had that behavior for a long while myself, just letting things happen over and over and not getting anything out of them aside from a wee bit of knowledge. I mean.. I need to stop going about things that way, and by and large I have. MFF was a step in that direction, but TFF and others going ahead I feel like will be kind of me just taking what I have seen and learned from a couple years of less-than-stellar cons and going ahead with it. Far less, far different groups, and just trying to make the most of it rather than focus on worrying about others; be a bit selfish.

So, anyways… Like I said, a lot good, a lot bad with how this year has played out. The job change has become just what my last shop was, and that has me more than a little worried. I mean, I am right back to having to stress about parts and work, and having nothing to do so that I get less hours. I really am hoping that it is just the end of the year so that I will be able to get back to the food that was the first couple months of me working there, but we shall see. I mean, I don’t know how it is all going to work out if I am honest, I just want something more than what has been happening there. I can’t keep working in a stressful enviroment, as that is just something that I flounder and fail in. When I wasn’t stressing at my last shop, I was able to get writing done, and was in all… Just a better person to be around. I have that stress coming back, and while I am managing it far better than I ever have before, I know it is just a couple bad weeks away from unwinding nearly a year of work to get myself to where I am at now. I cannot have that, since doing that would pretty much put me back at square one… And it pains me to think that way. I don’t want to be that fragile, nor do I want to have to worry so much about what I say and do around Res, who is even more fragile than that. It is just a bad situation for me to work in regardless, as this industry is so numbers driven and so mentally exhausting when you work at the level that I do that… Well… I mean, I want to do soemthing else, but what I do and whether or not it will pay even close to what I am making now is something that I need to figure out. And that scares me to no end.

Res and I have been having out ups and downs as of late. He has a lot of bad habits, and they all irk me to no end… OCD is really my end of that, and his end is just lethargy and apathy. I need to be more patient, and he needs to be less self-centered. I mean, they are both valid points and neither one of us is right or wrong… It’s just that it makes living together hard at times. I am trying though, and he is as well, and we are still healthy as a couple. It’s just little shit, the same thing that every couple has to deal with in the long run to be honest. Either way, I don’t like it but I am handling it as best I can. Other stuff he does bothers me too, and the fact that I am the rock of this relationship has been rough, but… He got me through Christmas, and that alone was enough to keep me sated. I do a lot for the both of us, and all I want in return is for him to be there, and really… He does what he can with how much I even let him in; I am still working on that in spite of myself. Really though… We are fine, we are just going through stuff since the past few months have been extremely trying.

The past few months of crashing a car, buying a new one, moving, getting engaged, our washing machine dying, job stuff happening on both of our ends with my shift going back to nights and him getting a new position at work, and other things… Yeah, suffice it to say that we are both at the utter end of our ropes. The end is in sight though, and the past couple weeks have just been staying at home by and large and just getting out lives back in order to the point where we are comfortable. Everything since MFF has been about keeping us healthy and intact and just making sure that we are both going to pull out of this year in some semblance of alright. I mean… It has been hell, the past 12 months. I have a lot I appreciated of 2014, and a lot that I hated. RF was incredible, but FAU was pretty crap. TFF was awesome, but not so much for FWA. Res and I getting together was great, but our first 2 living arrangements left a whole hell of a lot to be desired. I mean… There was so much right and so much wrong and so much that was just unneeded stress that I barely managed to keep together that I had a hard time keeping my head above water. Going forward, that is my goal for the time being, to just just make it out of the other side alright and keep pressing on. I need to for that matter… I need to write more.

But, yeah, that is it for 2014. A lot bad, a lot good, but I’m ready to move on and keep slowing my life down. I want to take my writing other places, and I want to get out from behind the backlog that has all but zapped every ounce of creativity from me. I mean, I haven’t had a good story idea I just sat down and wrote in 2 months. MONTHS. I don’t know what happened, but that just pains me every single day as something that I need to fix desperately. I want it better and I don’t want to be doing it whatsoever. I dunno… I need to write and I need to get my commissions done and I need to get back on track with creating. I wanted to get back into producing music, something I haven’t done in years, but I need to get back into my writing first in order to do that… So, one thing at a time really. I hope I can keep that one thing going too; I want to create more again. I miss it, and I know some people who miss what I created as well. So, here is hoping that I can get more done here in the near future. Ciao for now, more later.

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