I feel like I have just sunk back into depression these past couple weeks, but it was really only till today that I caught onto it. I haven’t been sleeping well, I have barely felt like eating, I haven’t been able to produce anything productive out of writing… I don’t know where this came from, but it hit me like a ton of bricks tonight. I mean, I would have been okay with it hitting some other time, when I would have had the chance to deal with it, but right now… I don’t know if I can handle being like this. Between the stress of work, the fact that a con is rapidly approaching, and just in general feeling like I am worth next to nothing… Well, I am not doing well in the least. I just was left alone with my head today in the shop, and that wound up being about the worst thing that could have happened to me. I mean, I tried to not think about the pat and everything like that, but I wasn’t doing a very good job about it at all. Things kept coming up, and it really brought everything to a head… And just how bad I have screwed everything for myself up.
The cutting cons out thing… I can already see that helping. Not thinking about FWA, FC, AC, etc… All of that has been a lot less stress on my plate already. TFF and RF are about it this year, and realistically, I don’t see them as being true cons, as they are both things I do work at. RF was amazing this past year, and if I had gotten better sleep, it would have been even better. TFF is always amazing, and I should have a nice, calm room again this year so that I can rest, relax, and not go out partying.
That… Was what really did me in and what made me start drinking and brought me to where I was at the start of last year. That old me is gone though, as it had been dying for over a year, and was finally killed with my last true bender at FP. Somewhere I went from silly drunk to angry drunk, and it took someone finally getting in my face about it that I both respected and cared about to let it sink in. I had been working all last year, and was nearly all fixed… Almost all better entirely in terms of getting over everything that had been plaguing me and making me do all of that in the first place. I slipped up a few times last year, and all of them were at cons. That is the only place people see me too, for the most part, and this person made that clear; con me and normal, everyday me are two entirely different people. I don’t like con me, or at least the con me that was at FP and FAU… So I changed it, and at MFF I was an entirely different person; I was just me. And that… The con went horrendously for different reasons, but it was still better overall than most cons last year. Because, quite simply, I didn’t drink myself into oblivion like I always did when I hung out with the crowd I normally did. I needed to get away from them, and from doing those things to myself. I did, and look what happened; I got better.
I am not blaming my friends, nor anyone else, for what happened over the past couple years and why I needed to step away from cons. They are themselves, and no one forced me to do a damn thing. I became a piece of shit all on my own. I drank too much, I ran my mouth, I damaged friendships beyond repair, I spouted bullshit because I was too drunk to even know what I was doing. All of it was me, and some of the things I did… Well, I have my regrets. I have apologized for them, I want to do whatever is asked of me to atone for them, but at the end of the day… There is nothing I can don. I made those mistakes, I fucked those things up, and I am the one to blame for every single bit of it. I’ve known that since forever, but getting to this point… Well, it’s not been easy. I mean, right now just spilling myself like this I want to run upstairs and vomit; my nerves are shot and I am wavering between nauseous and crying. I know I fucked up, and I know I fucked up bad and for a long time. Depression ruined me, pain made it worse, and between those two things… Coupled with just so much stress of life and work and bad relationships and less-than-awesome friends… I just slipped and fell and let myself fuck up. I got myself out of it though, and I will be punishing myself for this for a long time. Anyone who has known me throughout all this has seen how much I have changed first-hand… And there have been more than a few comments on it. There shouldn’t have been though; none of this should have happened at all. It was all my fault, and I will just have to live with it. My mistakes are my own to bear, and I am doing my best to mend what I did wrong and move on from it. The past needs to be the past, and yet as much as I want to put it there… It keeps coming back.
That is what happens when my thoughts are just left to fester though, and why I so desperately need someone to talk to. Res is nigh impossible to talk to for reasons I won’t get into… Mostly my fault though, not his, and most of my friends… Well… I am a bad friend in that I suck at communicating, and in turn most of my friends don’t try to contact me because I am always, always busy. I work just under 50 hours a week, and sleep when I can, and then have social obligations and writing and a whole slew of other things in between all that. I just… I need to be better about that too, and keeping my friends close to me. I miss a lot of them, and with seeing Zero twice already this year… That has just cemented that I need to stay closer to those I care about. I need to be better about talking, communicating, and really just trying to use my friends as a sound board when I get like this. They have said it time and time again, and yet I never take up the offers unless they push the issue. That is pride, and that needs to end… Another one of my laundry list of faults. I have so much wrong too… What is just right with me?
I don’t know how to end this one. Life… That is where my head is at right now, and past that nothing has been going on. I go to work, I come home, and I repeat that. The weekends are me sitting on the couch trying to keep myself entertained, or doing the same at my computer, or doing errands, or sleeping. Nothing crazy, nothing that I want to report on, and nothing that I feel I should be doing. I should be writing or talking to friends or just doing something more than what I am… And yet I am not doing anything other than being a lazy sack with my time. Depression is such a killer of anything productive in me though, and with all this going through my head… Coupled with more than a few thoughts of ending the pointless attempt at trying to fix what isn’t fixable… Well, I am not in a good place. I haven’t been for weeks now, and I have just been lying to myself that I am. I need to get back to being in one though, forgive myself for mistakes I made being young, stupid, and in a place that made sure that everything I did was going to come back and bite me. I still am young and stupid though… Hell, I turn 25 in just a few days. Things have to get better though for me… I need them to, and I need to let the past be the past. So I’ll be trying to do that… And in the meantime, ciao for now.