Moving On

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So… A lot has happened to me since I last wrote in this. I picked up a second mate, who I don’t know how things are going to work out with. I am quitting my job effective this Friday to focus on writing, which has me terrified. I am working on moving on with my career as a writer, and actually getting it started, which has me nervous to no end. I am making what I can with Res, and things have been as smooth as they can be with me having panic attacks at work nearly every other day. I… Yeah, stuff hasn’t been so great for me for well over a month. I’ve been trying to get it back on track though, so that things can start finally being good for me… And I have to have faith that I am making the right decisions here. I don’t know if I am, and I don’t know who to turn to in order to ask or talk to about it… But I am doing what I can and what I think is right, on top of what is best for Res and Kita first and foremost; Res I couldn’t be without anymore in any sense, and Kita… I don’t know how I feel about him anymore, but I do know that I care enough about him to make sure that he is as happy as he can be.

The whole Kita thing is a mess. He does a lot of things that Ratchet did, pokes at me nigh constantly to just push my buttons, and is as self-centered as they come. Constantly talks to everyone he can on his phone, never once gets up off the couch unless compelled to eat or something, and acts entitled to everything he has. It’s… He was spoiled to no end as a child, and it shows through in spades as an adult. I hate it about him, and as much as he says he’s trying to change it… I just can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t care about anything but his things and himself. He does try, don’t get me wrong; a lot of what I ask of him he does without complaint nor arguement. Its just his attitude; he’s so standoffish and needs to have an opinion about pretty much everything. But, I gave him another two months of a free ride after all, for the cost of moving up here… So I can’t help but feel taken advantage of in that respect, as well as the fact that we fight a LOT, like… More than Res and I did when he first came up, but not quite on the level of myself and Ratchet. I don’t know how all that is going to go, but I am holding out hope and still trying. I haven’t given up yet, as much as I have wanted to just throw in the towel and kick him to the curb… He has been unemployed the whole time, and I need to see how he is when that isn’t the case. So, things going forward with him… We shall see, but I don’t know and that’s the truth. I wish I could either trust him or get rid of him, but it’s that fine line between those two things we have been living in. This has been a rough two months though, so… We shall see.

Past that, writing… I don’t know what I am going to do. Getting back into something that has always been more than a hobby, but little else… Ugh, I don’t know how I am going to manage it. I mean, I do… I am going to write during the week for at least a few hours every day, and then give myself weekends off, or something like that. Maybe take say three days per seven off just sporadically so that I don’t get burnt out, but always make sure I am writing something. Blog entries those days, responding to commissions or Patreon, something. I don’t want to burn out, but I don’t want to wind up like others who have quit jobs to pursue their passions, and wound up spending all their time playing video games or just in general ignoring their passions. It is the last thing that I want to do though, so I think I will be fine in that respect. I am still nervous though, and afraid that I will burn out quickly and then hate what I have decided to do. I want to love my passion, not have to tolerate it… And every time I write now, I love it. I wrote something today that wasn’t this and loved it. I love creating, and painting a picture, and writing in general… I want to keep that love, and not squelch it under necessity. That’s my fear with Patreon and commissions and everything. I will see how it goes though… I shall see.

Just working beyond those two things, and that’s been constant. I am always too tired to do anything when i am not working that isn’t bills or just being lazy. Watching YouTube has even become something I don’t do as much, because I barely have the attention span to manage it anymore. I am trying to get that back, but until I get some real time to relax and recover from working as much as I have been… Ugh, I don’t know how I am going to manage it all. I don’t though because this move is so new for me; I haven’t been unemployed in six years after all. Just a lot to parse out when I am too tired for even mindless entertainment most of the time. I want to be better though, and this is a step in that direction. This is a step that will… Hopefully at least, make it so that I can go back to who I was when I started myself down this road. I am now very far down it, and want to take a turn that gets me back to being… Me, rather than some version of me that is surviving and that’s it. Something will change here, and that something will be me. Time will tell, and this won’t happen overnight, but for the sake of everyone in my life… I want this to go well. I want to mend the years of damage a job has done, that I have done, and that has been done to me. A step in that direction is one thing, but to go in that direction… We shall see. So ciao for now, more later.

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