So, another year has gone by. I wouldn’t call it a good year for me personally either, as it was one of the most challenging years that I have had in a long while. Personally, professionally, spiritually… Everything that could be questioned and broken was. I went from having some hope that the year was going to improve, to having that dashed and being in the lowest place that I have been since I was in the hospital after attempting suicide years ago. It was really, really rough, and I am not out of the woods by a long shot at this point. I am still just barely hanging on as things are, and that is not going to just magically fix itself. I am doing what I can to fix it, but of course that is going to take a lot of effort on my part; effort that I don’t know if I can muster up. I will keep on trying though, doing the best that I can since there is little else that I can do.
Where to begin… Well, 2018 opened with my brother losing a fight to a saw. We are close, well… As close as my disjointed mess of a family can muster to be. He and I do have a lot of differences, and some of his world views are very much skewed by being 20 and in the military, as well as with two fairly intolerant parents. But, we managed to get along, so when he nearly hacked off his leg with a saw back in February, I came to help as a good brother should. He needed the help, and still does. I do what I can, but it has been draining to have to be there for someone at all times when I am just barely hanging on myself. Of course, I do only what I can, and I am honestly having to work at saying no to when he needs something from me; something that I am reminded of fairly often by our new roommate, but that is something I will get to. Either way, that has been a fairly constant source of stress this year, and while it is dying down in a big way and the sheer amount of money that he owed me for helping him out time and time again with things is coming back to me, it… Yeah, it hurt my wallet and my sanity to have to continue to be the big brother, the helper, and really the punching bag for someone else too this year. I couldn’t get a break from it.
Kita and I… We had an overall better year than last year. We started the year fairly rough, the issues from 2017 carrying over into 2018. Things started to even out, then got bad again, and then… Well, the last 4 months of the year were better for us. We are still, nearly 4 years into our relationship, learning things about one another and having the same fights that we have had since day one. I mean, I kind of expect it at this point, but we are… Well, we are doing better. The fighting is lessening, we are growing closer as a couple, and kind of settling into life with one another in some ways. We had been, for a long time, but… I don’t know, we are kind of figuring out a dynamic between one another. It is a strange thing to watch our relationship evolve over time, but the direction that it is heading is towards being a little more healthy for the both of us, rather than the toxic thing that it has been for a long while now for both of us. We are both at fault in this, me for my lack of patience with certain things that he does, and him for his lack of listening and retention. No one is perfect, and neither of us are close to it, but we are still working on it. Plus, my parents both love him, so I kind of have to keep him now.
What else was last year… Cons this year felt wrong. Just… I don’t know if I am outgrowing them or if I am overextending myself with panels and staffing, but everything with cons just kind of felt stressful or less fun than they had been. I fursuited so little in 2018 that it felt weird too, so kind of in general I have been questioning my place in the fandom in a big way. I don’t know where I fit in anymore; I have my circle of friends of course, but I also feel like I am losing more and more of them. The popularity contest that is the fandom is a game that I don’t want to play, and because I don’t want to play it, I have kind of fallen by the wayside. For example, just the other day, I got one message as to where I was at the New Year’s party this year. Not several like years prior. One. That little realization of just how many fairweather friends and other things that I have in my life… That stung, a lot. I mean, it is to be expected in the fandom, and I do know some people knew I wasn’t going to be there ahead of time, but to think that I am such an afterthought now… Well, that kind of hurts. I’ve all but gone from being a known quantity in the fandom to nothing, and while a lot of that was of my own volition, I thought that I had picked up a fair amount of friends along the way. Not getting that sense anymore, and kind of seeing that I have lost a lot of friends… It made me feel old and isolated again, something that has been gnawing at me for the last year or so. I don’t like that feeling, but to lose it I have to play in the popularity pool, and I don’t want to do that either. So I am stuck feeling like I have no place in the fandom anymore, and that kind of stings seeing as that is something I have been in for over 18 years now. I only know how to be a furry, I don’t know what it would be to be something else, and not knowing… Well, that scares me even more.
To get back to family stuff, I did have a good amount of time with my mom this year. She has gotten back to being more of a mom these past couple years, and this year in particular it was very noticeable. It… Felt very weird if I am honest, as it just felt like there was something new in my family that I haven’t really ever had in my adult life. Granted, there was a whole bunch of turmoil and strife in my family this year; my great grandmother was diagnosed and given a death sentence while I was at Furpocalypse, and then managed to make it all the way to MFF before succumbing to the blood clots that had filled her lungs. Shortly after that, my nephew passed away from SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. It was… A trying December to say the least because of all of that, and because of the stresses of money that I couldn’t really talk about because of pride and the mess of my own making and a whole host of other reasons. My family was there what little they were for that, but… It was a rough one, and December was the hardest month for me I have had in recent memory. I spent a lot of it crying or just curled up and feeling powerless, and with no real sense of family to come and talk to; my parents are not on good terms and my dad and I are in a cold war of sorts with one another. I did what I could though, and I tried to be there for my mom as she lost her grandmother, and I also tried to do more to reach out and get that sense of family, but it was to no avail. Things… Well, losing 2 family members and having a very rough Christmas as well as really a December that just was punctuated with money woes and stress and really just by and large being overlooked… That was not something that I even kind of wanted to go through. And yet it was what I had to go through, and it stung, a lot.
All of that past, this was the first year since I was 17 that I really, truthfully had to battle with suicide. I have always had that feeling gnawing at the back of my brain, and this year… It came to the forefront. I had to talk myself down a few times, including one that I had the pills in my hand and was ready to just go and be done. I feel defeated in writing, defeated in finances, lost my place in the fandom… That feeling of just wanting to check out, and call it quits was stronger than it has ever been for me this year. The thing that made it the hardest was having nowhere to really turn for that, and by and large still having nowhere to go. I put myself back in therapy after I nearly took a bottle of pills, and that is helping to kind of stem the tide, but it is still there in a very big way. I am still having to consciously steer my car away from a telephone pole or take my meds with a thought of just taking what I need. However, I can’t exactly talk to my roommate or Kita about it, my parents are still way too lost in their own lives to turn to, and how
2018 was a bad year for me. It was hard, it was filled with a creative drought that I will regret for years to come, depression that made getting even out of bed one of the hardest things that I have ever done, death, feeling like I should join in on that death, horrendous financial decisions, and a whole host of other feelings that really, very nearly swallowed me whole. I wanted there to be at least something positive that came from that year, and while the changes with myself and Kita were one, the other was having Ceres move in with us. There are… Issues I have with him, but he has been good to have around if for nothing else to be a foil between myself and Kita. He also wants to help and better himself, at least I hope, so that has been somewhat of a kick to my own ass to start doing that to myself rather than watching from the sidelines as those around me settle into careers and move to improve themselves. I am trying to do that too, but… There is no support system there, none. Kita is horrid at that; he is amazing for a whole host other things and I love him for those, but for support, he is not even remotely what I need down that avenue. Either way, it just… 2018 was shitty, and I am glad that it is over. Sure, it is just a day of the week and nothing necessarily changed, I know that. But to kind of treat it like a chapter to close rather than a continuation into 2019 is something that I more want to do than continue to dwell on it.
Well, in summation, I am trying to change things. I am sticking with therapy this year to get to a better place mentally. It is only 3 days into the year, but I have
And that’s all for now! Ciao! More soon, I hope at least! Here’s to 2019 being a better year.